Stained

Chapter 129

I pull my knees up to my chest and bury my head in them.

I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with anyone. I promised myself I wouldn't cry over a boy. I broke all my promises for him. Why? How could I be so stupid? Because look at me now, I'm a crying heaping mess over a boy who could never love me back. Wasn't there so much in my life I already couldn't fathom, and now I've gone and added heartbreak to it.

"You... you love Damien?" Hannah stutters as though she can't believe it's possible. "Oh my gosh, you love Damien!"

She grabs my face and forces it up. She's smiling broadly which is strange considering my situation. "Why are you crying? This is a good thing. God, I was beginning to believe you're going to stay single for life. This is a miracle, Hazel."

What is she saying? Has she lost her mind? "How is it amazing? He doesn't love me."

Hannah raises a dark brow. "Erm, how can you say that? Have you asked him?"

I look away. "No one can love me."

"That's a whole load of shit." She grabs my hands. "I love you. Sarah loves you. Your mum loves you. Your sisters love you. And I know without a doubt Damien does too. I mean who doesn't? It's impossible not to."

'She's lying, no one does. You're a burden to love. Neither of your fathers could love you so what's a stranger?'

I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the voices that seem to be growing louder with each passing second. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

Hannah rolls her eyes. "I don't bullshit around, Hazel. I say it as I feel it, and if I don't feel it, I don't say it, you know that."

If Hannah doesn't like someone she doesn't keep a friendship with them, she ends it then and there. She says life's too short for pretending.

"Look at me though." I cry. "How can anyone love a broken thing like me?" Someone who has no control over her body. Someone who hallucinates and has horrible nightmares. Someone who lets herself get manipulated by evil voices in her head. How can anyone love me when I have all those problems and more. Loving me would be a burden so anyone would avoid it altogether.

And where it goes for a guy fixing me, I've never liked books or movies where a person fixes someone broken, not only does it give out false hope to those who are in pieces, but its also a crap concept to rely on someone else to fix what we initially deteriorated within ourselves. Personally, I don't think anyone else can fix what we've originally broken, only we can.

Unfortunately, I lost that fight long ago.

Her hands drop from mine as if my words have burned her. "Wow." She scoffs. "So you think the same of me?"

"What?" Confused, I brush my tears away but there's no use because more replace them.

"I know I don't speak out about my problems, I prefer to pretend they don't exist, but I consider myself to be broken too, my past has also left a big toll on me. Does that mean no one can love me either?"

Guilt floods over me like a tide, almost drowning me in my tears. "No of course not." Hannah can come off quite harsh at first — with time I've realised it's a makeshift shield shes created so no one can come close enough to hurt her — but once you get to know her, it's impossible not to fall in love with her.

"So why do you say that about yourself?! Why are you so horrible to yourself? I don't understand? You say no one can love a broken thing like you but then you're also implying that for all the other people that are broken."