Stained

Chapter 112

I'm not sure if Damiens lips part with either shock or surprise. "You don't have to," he says after a torturous second.

"I want to," I whisper truthfully. "I just... I just don't know what to do?" I bet I'm as red as a tomato right now.

He eyes me almost warily. "What's the most you've done with a guy?"

I suck my lower lip into my mouth. The most I've done is with him.

He must read the look on my face as something else because he adds, "before me." His tone isn't mocking in the slightest and I find myself surprised since — from what I've seen — guys usually make fun out of inexperienced girls. But then again, Damien is a man, not a normal twenty-year-old boy. And he might taunt me but that's his way of joking with me. I don't believe he would ever outright make fun out of me.

I anxiously toy with the hem of Damiens t-shirt, avoiding his gaze and not because I'm about to lie. "Hugged guys?"

I never liked hugging them though, but I didn't want to seem stupid by rejecting a simple hug. But it is also because I'm a people pleaser and struggle to say no.

Before I realised the extent of my fear for males, I used to avoid sitting next to them in class out of an instinct I didn't know I possessed.

However, when my family found out about me self harming due to the torment I endured and continued to endure with the teacher, my cousin Iyla decided to step up for me and get me out of the class seeing as though no other school would accept me. My mum barely speaks any English so she couldn't go and fight for me.

For the meeting, we were in this box like tiny room and there were three chairs: my cousin was on one, the deputy head on the second and I was on the last one. We were expecting my head of year to join us, and I realized last minute that the seat the Deputy Head was sitting on only occupied one person, and I knew my head of year wouldn't just sit next to my cousin so I joined her on her chair so he wouldn't sit next to me.

The deputy head stared at me with a mixture of humour and disbelief then proceeded to ask me why I did that. It caught me off guard and the awkward person that I am, I stuttered out some nonsense about Mr Barreck sitting there. He found that very strange and made me feel very stupid about it.

My cousin, on the other hand, didn't say anything, either because she thought I was right or because she understood where he was coming from. After all, she and her mum did constantly remind me that I should be grateful I wasn't raped. And at thirteen, I listened to my elders because grown-ups are always right, right? We kids are the stupid ones.

Once the horrible meeting was over and my cousin managed to convince them to move my class without revealing I self-harmed, — my family talked my mum into keeping it a secret, afraid social services would get involved — the deputy head moved to shake my hand but paused midway and asked, "you're not going to not shake my hand now are you?"

My stomach dropped but I kept up my fake smile and even added a laugh to it which I know without a doubt sounded like a nervous one.

Then he proceeded to jokingly tell my head of year the reason for his words, whilst laughing. He made me feel like crap. He made me hate the way I felt; feelings and emotions and panic I had no control over. Made me feel abnormal and these were teachers who were supposed to support us, help us, teach us to accept ourselves and overcome our fears. Build a future, not crumble the foundation needed for it.