Stained

Chapter 65

I try to compress myself against him but it doesn't work.

"Damien," I choke out, my heart convulsing inside my chest.

A couple seconds of oxygen deprivation. That's all I'm asking for. 

Damien grabs my waist and gently pulls me back. I try to stop him but he over powers me.

His worried eyes peer down into mine and it's then I realise my lips are trembling uncontrollably, small whimpers falling out of them and I'm fighting to catch my breath.

He instantly sits up and grabs the glass of water off the window cill. Grabbing the back of my head, he elevates it and presses the glass to my lips.

"Hazel drink the water," he demands, tipping it back and forcing water into my mouth.

I push the glass away as I begin choking on the water. He pats my back until I stop choking and I fall back against the head board completely exhausted but able to breathe and see clearly once more.

I feel like I just ran a marathon. Because I am panting as though I did.

"You okay?" he asks and he sounds as worried as he looks.

With my eyes tightly sealed shut and a hand clutching my chest, I nod my head yes.

He doesn't press me over what happened and I'm grateful because speaking it aloud would make me face  it and im not ready to face it.

He presses the glass once more to my lips and this time Im able to part them. Theres barely any water left in the glass and it barely does anything for my dry mouth.

But I pretend I'm satisfied because I don't want him to leave me to go fill it up.

He places the glass back on the window cill and then both his hands come up to my cheeks and he gently wipes the tears away.

His sad eyes avoid mine as he does so and I don't know how to feel about it. About him doing this. About letting him do this. About what I did.

What I did... Oh god how could I do that? And I can tell from the look on his face and how he avoids my eyes he knows exactly what I was doing. How I was using him in the most horrible and cruel way possible.

"I'm so sorry," I blurt out and embarrassment coats my tone as much as it does my exterior.

I can't believe I tried to use him to hurt myself. I've never done that before. Never used anyone to hurt myself. Never made anyone hurt me. Especially since I prefer to do it myself.

His eyes jerk up to mine.

"I di.. I didn't mean to. I just... I was ju..." I trail off not knowing how to continue.

"You were just using me to stop breathing," he says it with so much venom, I flinch.

Regret washes over his face and he closes his eyes, takes in a deep breath. When he opens them again some of the anger has left his eyes. "I didn't mean to say it like that. But what if I didn't catch on? What if—." He snaps his lips shut, his face contorting in pain.

Tears well up in my eyes once more. Embarrassed and mortified and scared and painful tears. He doesn't deserve this. He shouldn't have to deal with this too. With this mess that is me. He's done too much for me already. Endured enough of me already.

'Wow you even managed to become a burden for someone you have zero relations with.'

Yeah well it stops now. I'm going to free him of this burden right now.

I blink away the tears. Swallowing hard, I force the words out of my throat. My lips part but no words come out. What is going on? It usually isn't this hard to do it. It's very easy. Freeing even.