Stained

Chapter 104

I flinch. What I feel for him? I don't know. All I know is I care about him, a lot. More than a lot maybe. Is that even possible? I can't seem to focus on my thoughts because my eyes keep flitting between the closed door and Damien's eyes. My panic over being in this closed-off tiny room and Damien's face have me reeling between the two.

"I..." my hands shake against his face, my eyes darting between him and the door, my panic growing to extreme lengths. "I... I." What did he ask again?

"Hey," Damien's tone is gentle as he cups my cheeks, trying to draw my gaze back to his. I can't look away from the closed door anymore. I feel trapped. Get me out! I internally scream but on the outside, I'm frozen. A statue.

"Rose, breathe," Damien says from somewhere far far away. "Baby, breathe. Please, Rose..." His voice is drifting away with each word, with each plea.

"Oh fuck it."

Just as darkness is about to engulf me, Damien's lips smash against mine, his tongue parting my lips and delving into my mouth.

Everything instantly whooshes out of me and is replaced by him. All I know and see and feel is him. Nothing matters anymore. Not my past, not my messed up head, not the closed door. Just him.

Closing my eyes, I moan into his mouth and wrap my arms around his neck. I could weep from finally having control of my body again.

"I... want... you," I whisper in between kisses. "Please." I need him to make me forget. I need pain.

The goddess that entered me last night possess me once more, making me grab Damien's hand and bring it up to my breast.

My back arches, my core convulsing with desire.

Damien's lips retract from mine and he looks down at the hand I've placed over my breast with shock, hunger, anger, sadness? I don't know.

Damien pulls away, falling back on the ground in a sitting position with his legs raised and bent in front of him. He looks horrified.

"What..." I stop to catch my breath. "Why did you stop?" I'm so desperate for a painful distraction, I couldn't blush if I wanted to.

"We can't do this," he tells me, looking anywhere but at me.

Hurt guts me and tears instantly prick my eyes. "Then why did you kiss me? Why did you let me believe you were going to... Why would you lead me on like that?"

His guilt-ridden blue-greens flash to mine. I look away.

"Rose." He lifts up on his knees and grabs my cheek.

I draw back from his touch. "Don't touch me." Tears burn a scorching trail down my cheeks. I feel so stupid and so pathetic. I practically begged him to sleep with me and he didn't. He slept with Olivia, so why can't he sleep with me? Do I now repulse him that much?

'Why couldn't you repulse the teacher this much?'

"I kissed you cause you stopped breathing. I didn't know what else to do," his voice is gentle but I don't miss the hint of anger.

I close my eyes. "Just go, Damien." I need him to leave so I can self-harm. For the first time in my life, I push someone away to hurt myself. Though it might not count since I'm pushing him away not to gain more mental pain but so I can inflict physical pain upon myself.

"I'm not leaving you again," he says sternly.

I force a humourless scoff. "I don't want you here. Go." I don't mean it. I'm just desperate to cut.

"No."

My cold demeanour slips. "Go," I croak out.

'The fake strength didn't even last a minute. I don't understand why this dumb bitch try's anymore.'

Instead of getting up and leaving me to drown in self-pity, Damien sits on the bed and pulls me onto his lap, hugging me to his chest.

"No." I hit his chest but he tightens his arms around me. "Just leave. I don't want you here." I cry, slapping his chest over and over again, but he doesn't budge, doesn't let go, just keeps his arms locked around me until mine grow tired and slacken between us.

"I'm a burden," I rasp. "I'm broken. I'm weak. I'm—."

"You're hurting," he interrupts me. No! I want to scream. You don't understand! I need to be strong! For my mum! I need to be strong! And the only way I can is by self harming. Physical pain is the only thing that brings me anywhere close to being strong.

"And I'm not leaving. Not now, not ever. Even if you file a restraining order against me, I'll still find a way to stay close to you. Whether it's from meters or miles away," his voice holds an inkling of humour. He's trying though. For me.

It works because my tears make me choke on a laugh. "Stalker."

He kisses my forehead. "Only when it comes to you."

"Why?" I ask.

"Why what?"

"Why are you still here? Why aren't you running for the hills? You've seen how messed up I am. So why?" Everyone leaves. Alejandro left after telling me a million times he wouldn't. Iana left after I opened up to her. My sperm donor left. Everyone leaves after they realise what a burden I am. I've pushed him away, again and again, fearing he would too. But he didn't — hasn't. Was it for nothing? Was my fear stupid?