Stained

Chapter 68

I bolt upright and move past the row of bushes separating my house from the neighbours.

I frown. There's no new car on my street, never mind an Uber.

I hear a child's laughter to my right and instantly know who it is despite not being able to see the other gardens thanks to the tall hedges on either side of my house. One house over to the right lives a small cute family.

They park their car in the garden so luckily they can't see my terrible and inappropriate state. I'm still in my small flimsy nightgown. Which explains why I'm feeling so cold.

I take small defeated steps back inside the house. Once I get the door closed my legs give out on me and I slide down the door. My backside makes hard contact with the ground but the pain helps distract me a little.

Until it dissipates and hits me all over again.

I hope Rosie comes back soon because if there's anyone who can distract me from my internal pain it's her.

I'm alone once again. Like I deserve because I bring nothing but pain to those who get close.

I like being alone anyways. It's better here in the darkness. It's better than the light that can be snuffed out by the darkness at any moment. At least in the darkness, you can succumb to the demons without the fear of them ambushing you in the light. At least in the darkness, you get to ignore the tiny glimmer of light that tries to lure you in by tricking you into believing you can actually be happy.

In the light you get zero warning before the darkness envelopes you, destroying everything and anything in the process and leaving you reeling because it let — made you hope... again. The darkness catches you off guard because unlike the light it can't just be a glimmer in the distance, it has to encase you completely.

It takes a lot of power for the darkness to sniff out the light so when it does, that's when you know, really know that you're in deep and beyond saving.

Beyond redemption.

Burying my head in my legs, I cry. I cry because I'm broken. I cry because he's gone. I cry because of the promise I had to make myself in order to survive. I cry because I hate myself. And I cry because I miss him. I miss him so much I feel like I can't breathe.

I need him. Need him more than anything. I need him to hold me. To kiss me. To touch me. I just need... him.

I shouldn't, but I do. It's one of the many reasons why  I'm going to stay away. I can't need him— shouldn't need him. It was a mistake. It was all a mistake. One I shouldn't dwell on, but learn from so it is not repeated.

I just need ten minutes, I tell myself. Ten minutes to cry and then I'll pick myself up and never think or cry over him ever again. Just ten more minutes.

• • •

My phone is going off but I don't want to answer it. I don't want to open my eyes and face reality. I don't want to open my eyes and see that Damien isn't next to me. That his scent isn't coming off a pillow. Which I've been pathetically hugging all night pretending it was him.

I told myself I would wash it in the morning. That I needed twenty-four hours because the ten minutes weren't enough. I promised myself I'd stop after twenty-four hours and I will. But as I clutch my pillow I don't know how I'm going to get myself to wash his scent off.

I didn't have any nightmares last night after he left... or the two times I had slept next to him. He drives them away. Like a knight in shining armour.