Stained

Chapter 105

"Cause I can't stay away."

My head whips up to his. "What?" Did he just say what I think he said? Or are my ears deceiving me?

'Because he wants to fuck you. That's what he really meant, don't be stupid.'

No! You're wrong! He had the chance to sleep with me but he didn't. I practically begged him to but he... he didn't.

"Why?" I don't know if the question is directed at my thoughts or his statement... but it seems to be the only thing I can get out of my mouth right about now.

"I..." he stutters. "I... er." He looks away, seeming defeated.

Oh. I'm guessing he uttered those words to make me feel better. The realisation makes me feel tenfold worse. Not wanting to make this harder for him, I force a fake smile and rest my head against his chest, a heartbeat before the flood gates open. He was planning on leaving too, wasn't he? He was going to leave like everyone else. I can't believe I doubted the voices, again.

"Rose." He tries to pull back but I cling to his chest, afraid. I just need a couple more minutes to bask in his warmth. To relish in this feeling of calm because I won't feel it again after he leaves.

He grabs my face and tilts my head up.

"I'm not good with words," he confesses, his voice soft, eyes imploring me to understand.

Licking my tears away, I suck my lower lip into my mouth and nod my head yes. It's fine if he's not good with words. And it's fine if that's his excuse to not blatantly saying he was eventually going to leave too.

"Because I fucking see you," he suddenly blurts, making me blanch and tilt my head up from his chest. "I see you and not the girl who puts on a fake smile to show the world she's fine when she's not. I see a survivor."

My heart clenches and a tear escapes. "You think I'm a survivor?" No one has ever said that to me before. Everyone's either told me to be strong or has called me a victim. Never a survivor.

He brushes my tears away. "I know you are."

My bottom lip trembles as I watch his pupils dilate. "Why?" I question, hesitantly. Although, "how" is what I meant to ask. How can he think that after everything that has unfolded before him today?

He pushes my hair behind my ear. "Because you're still here."

A part of me wants to tell him I almost wasn't, but I can't. I can't unload more on him because I'm scared he'll realise I'm too broken and leave. That I'm not the survivor he believes I am. And in this moment, with him, I feel like I am. Believe it, and that I'm beyond my past. Even if it's fleeting and going against all the rules I've made for myself. It's exhilarating. Hopeful.

I'm about to kiss him. Only kiss him because I'm so grateful for his words, but dizziness overtakes me and I fall forward, into Damien. He effortlessly grabs me around the waist, slowing my descent and my face nestles in the crook of his neck.

"W—."

The sound of the front door opening, followed by my parents' voices cuts him off.  My eyes almost pop out of their sockets. They are home.

"Let's get out of here," Damien pulls us both upright. "Do you want me to drive y..." he trails off as if realising something. "Can you sit in the car?"

Authors Note: At this point in the book — as you can clearly see — Hazel's mental health is bad. These scenes play a huge and key part in her character development.

The answer is instant.

No, I can't. It's too tight in there. I'm not claustrophobic though. I'm not, right? I can't because of my PTSD attack, right? Please don't say there is another thing wrong with me! Please!