Stained

Chapter 121

Grief over what we lost suffocates my lungs and my bottom lip quivers only once before I trap it between my teeth.

I need to stop dwelling on the past.

"We need to go," I say in a single breath.

His mouth opens to say something but I don't give him the chance to voice it, I turn on my heels and walk away from him.

After what feels like hours of me walking away, he grabs my hand.

Closing my eyes, I take in a deep breath before turning around. "Don't," I whisper. There's only so much I can take.

He drops my hand. "Get on my back and close your eyes."

I suck my lower lip and nod my head no. I need to stop crying. And be strong. I need to face that school and stop letting fear cripple me.

The cruel voices scoff. 'Good luck.'

"Please," his eyes are pleading.

"Damien," I half whine, half cry. "Please stop making this harder than it is."

I'm veering toward the edge of another breakdown. Soon I'll be falling into the haunted depths.

"One last time. Let me hold you one last time." The desperation on his face along with his words grabs my heart and rips it into two pieces. One lays under his shoe and the second crumbles away into nothing. Without it, coldness seeps into my body, freezing over the warmth.

He holds out my puffer jacket, noticing the slight shiver that runs through me. Although the weather has grown chillier, it wasn't the cause.

With a sigh I take my jacket from him, shrug it on and then move behind him, the fear of my nightmares propelling me into his arms. At least, that's what I try to tell myself.

'Just face it; you'll never be strong. All you're good at is drowning in self-pity. If it makes you feel any better, at least you're good at something.'

I almost scoff out loud. As if the voices care about me feeling better.

Damien leans down low enough for me to jump on his back. I wrap my arms around his neck and close my eyes, breathing him in one last time.

His hands come up under my thighs and a shudder erupts from beneath my skin. It seems my body is disconnected from my broken heart.

"Earlier you said some things are unforgivable, is what I did one of them?" He asks after a couple minutes of silence.

The air becomes too thick to breathe, causing my arms to weaken from lack of oxygen and turn loose around him. "Damien," I rasp, my heart clenching.

Why does it feel like I'm breaking both our hearts?

'I think I love you.'

Was it a dream? A figment of my imagination! Hallucination? It scares me how I have to question everything because I can't trust my mind.

I thought I was getting better...

Breaking down barriers and opening new doors...

Doors leading to what I had hoped — against everything the voices had warned me of — was happiness.

Feeling him bend down, I open my eyes and find we're at the corner of my street. I slowly slide my body down his, not wanting to let go already.

My arms feel as heavy as lead as I drop them to my sides, the weight almost too much for my already heavy shoulders.

It's made worse when he turns around to face me. "I need to know. Is it?"

I stare at the brown, rusty drain cover laying beside the pathway hump as I pull my keys out of my jacket pocket. "Please stop. Please let it go."

I keep up a somewhat calm appearance whilst continually chanting in my head, Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

"Just answer the question," his voice is rough but his eyes are hopeless like us. "Please," he adds noting the slight tightness in my eyes. I didn't even realise I was glaring.

I wish I could say no to his question, but the truth is I don't know.  And I don't want to tell him that because I know he will automatically take it as a no and I don't want to hurt him more than I already have. I was hurting so much before that I could barely make sense of anything, but now I realize just how much I hurt him. Regardless of whether or not it was to save him from a burden. He did so much for me and I kicked him out. He didn't deserve that. It was horrible, and if the roles were reversed, I would be so hurt too.

However, maybe if I wasn't me I could have allowed that simple fact to be enough of a reason to let go of what he did. But what he did — albeit unknowingly— resonates with what my dad did by having other kids. Replaced me. I know they're two completely different circumstances, but they both did the same thing. My dad tried to forget my existence by having other kids, and Damien tried with other girls.

If he hasn't managed to yet, he eventually will.

As Hannah would say it; daddy issues at its finest.

I shake my head and whisper, "please Damien." My eyes silently implore him to stop.

"Then answer this one question for me." He moves to push my hair behind my ear, his hand hovering over my face for a while, waiting for me to back away. For some reason, I don't. I allow his fingers to brush my skin as he curves the strand of hair behind my ear.

"Do you hate me?" He asks.