Stained

Chapter 158

The answer instantly enters my mind. I don't even have to think about it. It's always sat restless and deep within my heart, and I've tried to subdue it for so long and I still try to but it's stronger than anything I have ever experienced and explodes throughout my entire body, imbedding itself into every cell and nerve ending, leaving no room to breathe.

I love him because when he touches me, I feel alive. I love him because when he kisses me, I feel like I'm flying. Bust most of all, I love him because he's patient and caring and doesn't judge me or contradict me when I'm being unreasonable. Because he somehow seems to see inside my messed up soul and understand that there's a deeper reason for the way I act.

He understands me.

My whole life I have had people bring me down and chastise me for the way I act without trying to understand why. From parents to teachers to family and friends. It has always been this this this this. Never why why why. And there are so many reasons why.

So many painful reasons why.

I-." I choke on the word, my eyes brimming with tears from the severity of my feelings. Just before my vision turns blurry from them, I see Sarah's eyes soften with regret.

"Hazel I..."

I want to tell her it's not her fault I'm so upset. But all I can think about right now is getting out of here. My emotions are suffocating me through the thick walls of this huge but packed restaurant.

I can't breathe and that's never a good sign.

I stand up on shaky, unsteady legs. "Excuse me. I need to go to the bathroom." Even though I'm crumbling on the inside, my words come out strong.

Before either of them can say anything I make a beeline for the first door my blurry eyes make out. Too far gone to wonder if I end up somewhere customers are not allowed to be. My entire focus pinned on being alone.

Luckily it ends up being the disabled toilet. I have no right being in here but I'll leave the second someone knocks. I just need to be completely alone right now and I don't have the strength to find the Women's toilet or conceal my sobs in a stall.

The second I move to lock the door Hannah bursts through.

I startle and stumble back a step.

"Hazel," Hannah whispers halting in the doorway as if an invisible force bars her way, a mixture of emotions crosses her face, first shock then sadness. In a blur of motion she engulfs me in a hug so fast and hard all the breath knocks out of my lungs.

I move to push her away but my arms seem to have a mind of their own and wrap around her. I try to will them to push her away but I barely have any fight in me to keep my legs beneath me so I just give in.

"I hate this," I cry into her neck without meaning to. Maybe because I know she understands my pain better than I do having gone through this twice herself. The realisation makes me feel so weak and stupid. Twice, and I can't handle once.

She strokes a hand down my hair and the rest of the words sputter out of me. "I hate him because I love him. I don't want to love him." Every time I see him, my heart hurts. Begs for his touch, his embrace, his sweet words, his laugh, his smile. Him. Begs for him.

Suddenly another pair of arms wrap around us. My eyes startle open and immediately lock onto Sarah's sad blue ones. "I'm so sorry," she says softly.

I shake my head as if to say 'you have nothing to be sorry for.' Because she doesn't. My tears were a long time coming. Ever since we left Hayden's house.