Behind the Clouds

Chapter 21 11/2/14

After my dinner date, I didn’t bother telling my mom any details. Every answer to her question was the false “It was fine.” She must have sensed my mood because she didn’t question it any further. I went to bed worried, upset, and so stuck trying to figure out what could be bothering him that whenever I tried to replay the story in my head a new thought would come in and ruin it. Then the nightmare set in and gave me the worst sleep I had in weeks. I woke up sweating and in a panic. The nightmare was worse this time since it had been a while since I last had it, which meant it only came back with a bang.

When I saw my face in the mirror, the dark circles were worse, and I’m pretty sure I was crying because my eyes were bloodshot and puffy. This was probably the worst I ever looked compared to the first time it happened. Well at least I’m not going out today. I was surprised to see that it was only eight thirty. It felt later than that. Going back to sleep could’ve led to another nightmare, so I settled for sketching. Then I heard a knock at my door.

“Come in,” I said.

“Morning honey,” my mom said walking in. She must’ve noticed how I looked this morning because she stopped in the midst of her walk towards my bed. “It was the nightmare again wasn’t it?”

“Yup. Same one. This time with worse side effects,” I answered without looking at her. She didn’t say anything and the worst thing she could do right now would be to say anything else about it. Turns out there was something else just as worse she had to ask about.

“So how was...how was dinner last night?” Great.

“It was fine mom. I told you last night. We just ate fancy food and made small talk. That’s it.” Attitude was setting in. All of my feelings were turning negative all at once, and I didn’t like it. This was a bad way to start my morning.

“Ok.” I think she sensed my anger because she didn’t ask anymore. Good to know she knows when to back off. “So um...I got called into work today, so I won’t be home ‘til late. You doing anything today?”

“Nope. I’d rather be home today anyway.”

“Ok. I’ll see you tonight then.” She started walking out of my room and was halfway in between closing my door when she stopped. “I love you honey.” It wasn’t until then did I finally look up at her. I felt bad that I was being so mean to her when she didn’t do anything, but today was just not a good day.

“I love you, too.” She smiled and finally left my room to go to work. I started thinking about anything I could be doing today.

Maybe I could just text him. Just be completely straight forward and ask him what’s wrong. But then again, he said he could be busy and probably wouldn’t text me back at all. Maybe I could work out to distract myself from being so worried or upset. Eric does Blogilates on Youtube, so maybe I could try. Or I could just keeping sketching, go for a run, go to the beach, do something to prevent me from jumping to conclusions about anything.

Instead, I just picked up my cellphone and called the first number I could think of.

“Hello?” Eric said.

“Eric,” I said sounding defeated. “I need you.”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

“I’ll leave my door open.”

“I’m bringing some trunks because one: it’s ninety something degrees outside in November and two: I can hear you’re upset. We’re going for a swim.” Guess he wasn’t taking no for an answer because he hung up right away. Maybe I did need a swim. I haven’t touched my pool for a while, so maybe some cool water can soothe my nerves. I grabbed my red bikini top and black bottom, went downstairs to grab a quick granola bar to eat, and head to my yard.

When I got outside, I immediately felt the heat. I wasn’t even outside for ten minutes and already felt myself sweating. I put my sunscreen on right away and just basked in the sun for a few minutes just to get myself relax, but once I closed my eyes I heard the yard door open and feet moving quick against the cement bricks.

“WOO!!” Eric shouted as he cannonballed into my pool. I started laughing at his ridiculousness and was glad I was still able to do that. If something went wrong I didn’t know if I’d be able to laugh like this again, let alone smile. “You know you wanna get in here Elle,” Eric said loudly when he popped up from underwater. I smiled and got up from my lounge chair. I dipped one toe in the pool to test the waters and sighed at the soothing temperature. Not too hot and not too cold. I dove under the water and glided slowly with Eric alongside me. We spent a good twenty minutes just splashing around, laughing, and playing Marco Polo just for fun. At some point, we both ended up on our backs just floating in silence and gazing at the blue sky above us. Eric was the first one to break the silence.

“Why did you need me Elle?” He asked.

“During dinner, his dad got a phone call. He came back looking worried and told Jer that they’d talk after I went home. Then when Jer was taking me home, he got a text and ended up the same way. He seemed so distracted, and we didn’t even say a word the entire ride to my place. I mean even when he kissed me it felt like he was...distant. Like he was there of course, but then he just felt miles away.

I’m scared that whatever’s going on will split us up. I wanna ask, but it’s none of my business. I feel like he’ll think I’m butting in on his personal life, but if I don’t then I feel like it’s just gonna be the elephant in the room if it doesn’t get sorted out.” I felt the tears burning behind my eyes. My feelings were so conflicted and scared that I didn’t know what to do with myself. “Eric, what do I do?”

“Elle. Just breathe for a minute.” He stopped floating on his back and grabbed my shoulders, so I could face him. “Just tell him that you need to know what’s wrong. Tell him that you know he’s upset and doesn’t wanna talk, but that if you don’t know what’s wrong then it won’t stop worrying you. He should—wait—you both should know that it’s not good to keep things bottled up inside. Just make sure that he knows that you’re there for him, but you can’t be there for him if he won’t let you. Get it?” That was probably the best answer he could’ve given me. I felt sort of relieved that I had an answer that could help me. Help both of us.

I nodded in agreement, but I started to tear up anyways. “When—when should I ask? He told me that he’d be busy dealing with something today and won’t be able to see me.”

“Well, maybe you could wait a little while. Maybe whatever’s bothering him won’t last so long. Look, just wait till Saturday. Maybe he could take you out to do something and maybe then you can ask.”

“Ok,” I said trying not to cry. “Ok. I can do that.” I silently prayed that it would work. I hated this. I hated crying over his business, but this was killing me inside. Whatever was going on, was clawing at my insides, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

I still couldn’t remember what I wished for, but I hope that I wished that I wouldn’t hurt anymore. It was just so tiring having to feel so unhappy all the time, and I was starting to feel like maybe I was just destined to stay this way. Hey, I spent the last four years of my life believing that nothing could make me any happier than I was before it, but finally found happiness only for it to just be taken away from me. Maybe it’s just punishment for being me.