Behind the Clouds

Chapter 27 -- Ellie

I know that was him. It had to be him. The real question, however, was “did I want it to be him?”

Did I want it to be him?

Yeah.

As good as I was at hiding it from other people, I couldn’t hide it from myself. I couldn’t hide the fact that inside it ached like no other to be away from him. The only catch was that I didn’t know if he felt the same. A little part of me hoped and prayed that he wanted me back, but the other part still thought he was better off without me. It’s been a month, and he hasn’t come for me. I guess he was fine without me. But why else would he go to the spot? Maybe he really did need me, but thought I didn’t need him.

Then again, after everything he put me through there should be some sense in me to say no. Someone in their right mind would be able to say no at any time and put all of those longing emotions out of their mind. Someone like that would think about how he doesn’t trust the people who care enough to let them in and help him and would be good about refusing every apology he ever gave. Someone like that would never give him another thought after an entire month of pain.

But I’ve never been in my right mind. Never have, never will. That’s why that part of me never wanted to stop hoping. There was a reason he was coming to the spot in the first place. The only thing that I’d question is why he would run. I needed some advice and needed it soon. Right when I got out of school, I ran to my car, grabbed my phone, and called Eric. He answered on the second ring.

“Elle, is everything ok? I only have like twenty-five minutes since I just got on my break,” he said.

“Eric, I need your help.”

“Alright. Make it snappy.” It felt like my brain was going a hundred miles a minute, and I couldn’t slow it down as much as I wanted to. It took me a few seconds before I actually said something.

“He was there, Eric. Jericho was at the spot.” Saying it out loud felt weird. It shouldn’t have felt so weird since I’ve said it in my mind for hours, but out loud it just sounded impossible. “He was there. I wanted to be there by myself and heard footsteps coming towards me, and then I asked who it was, but they didn’t say anything they just ran away, and when I finally stood up to see who it was I saw him run through the gate to the parking lot,” I said hurriedly. He just stayed silent. When he finally spoke, it kind of took me by surprise.

“Oh my God, Elle. He wants you back.” Wow. That was straight forward.

“What? What are you talking about? He ran away from me Eric. If he really wanted me back, why would he run?”

“Maybe he was scared. I mean it’s been an entire month and it’s possible that he just thinks you wouldn’t want to see him. I mean you are the one who walked away. He probably feels like you were better off without him.” I hate when he’s right. I was the one who walked away first, but he could’ve fought harder for me.

“He could’ve fought harder, Eric. It didn’t have to be over.”

“Can you tell yourself that? Again, you were the one who walked away first and now really you should also be the one to blame for this. You both are responsible for this, so you should just understand and accept that it was both of your faults.” I guess he’s right again.

“Ok fine,” I sighed. “I admit it. It was both of our faults. But I don’t even know if he ran because he was scared or if he was just done with me and wanted to get away?” There was that possibility. I really hoped that it wasn’t the latter.

“Elle, he was heading for the spot. If he hated you, he wouldn’t have been heading there.” Three times in a row. I don’t give him enough credit.

“I think you’re right again, but Eric what do I do?” He didn’t say anything. I assumed he was thinking.

“Elle...have you thought about him at all this past month? And do not lie. I will know.” Crap...            “Um...” Come on. Say it. “Yes,” I sighed. “There literally hasn’t been a day where my mind doesn’t play tricks on me, and I end up seeing him at school or...in a dream...or I catch myself thinking about him and just feel sad. More than normal. Now it just seems like my idea of normal doesn’t work when someone ruined normal for you.”

“Do you still care?”

Do I?

“Yeah. Yeah I do,” I said sincerely.

“Then maybe not all hope is lost. Give it time. Maybe both of you will come to your senses eventually. For now just sit tight. Good things come to those who wait you know?” I love when he has his Gandhi moments. This time, however, I wasn’t so keen on waiting.

“Why do I have to wait? It’s been a month Eric.”

“Stop being a baby and wait. You need to give him time. Maybe now that this has happened he’s had time to think. So again give it time.”  I know I was being stubborn, but waiting at a time like this just seemed hard. I’d try for him though.

“Thanks Eric. I’ll try. Promise.”

“Good. Now I gotta go, but keep the faith. Be patient and enough with the sadness. It’s time to keep the hope up. You never know, he might already be thinking of ways to show you he cares. Bye Elle!” We hung up and now I was left with the task of waiting. Waiting for what, I didn’t know. I would keep the faith though. Maybe the end wouldn’t seem so dark. Maybe the storm was passing.

I didn’t go to work today. I just called in sick and Mike let me take the day off. Too many thoughts were swarming my mind, and I never got that relaxation I thought I’d get at the spot. Maybe another walk wouldn’t hurt. Hopefully, there weren’t any other ‘Emil’s’ around to ruin it. I drove home and left my car there. All I had to do was throw my backpack in my room and just leave. I kept my phone on me, brought a jacket, and started heading to who knows where. I just needed to clear my head.

The whole battle of emotions thing was really starting to annoy me. One side was saying, “He’s the one that was asking for it. You don’t deserve that. He pushed you away. You’re better off without him.” The other would say, “But he brought out the best in you. He even made you forget for a while. He’s made you feel happier than you ever have. Who knows when you’ll be able to find a love like that again?” Both sides are right. I wish I wouldn’t have to pick one, but if I don’t I’ll be living with confusion for the rest of my life.

I had about two hours before I needed to be home, so now I just had to decide on the best place just to get away. I kept walking in the cold breeze for a good twenty minutes just thinking about my feelings, and eventually I ended up near Santa Monica Place and right next to it was the one and only Tongva Park: A.K.A: The last place Jer and I were together. I remember walking around looking for him and thinking that maybe this was the perfect place to just get away from the world.

I entered the park and just kept walking around. As I was taking in all the trees and art pieces, I was reminded of the peace of mind that I had before my dad ruined me. It was all so perfectly normal. I didn’t need anything else to make me happy because I had it. Then of course things went downhill and here I am in my sad glory. Funny how one thing can change your life so suddenly and the effects would be so long lasting. We’re talking four years long lasting. How’s that for bad luck?

But then, I think about what my dad did and how it affected me and how if it hadn’t happened I might not have had the friends I have now or felt things so intensely when I was with Jer. And if Jer hadn’t have been blamed for what happened to Piers, he might’ve never come to Santa Monica and met me. We wouldn’t have been the same people we were when we were together.

To start a new analogy, I guess you could say that the sun and moon set on both of us when the people we loved did terrible things to us. That sun and moon set and left us in the dark for years on end, but then by chance we meet each other and they rose once again. Well, I guess they did have to rise at some point. I don’t know if we could’ve survived being the dark forever. And I don’t know how long we’ll survive in the dark now. But then there’s what Mr. Gold said that one day about the winter solstice being the time for new beginnings. December 20th I think? No, wait. It was the 21st. That’s when it was. The time for rebirth. I prayed that this year will be different from the rest. I also wished that I didn’t have to wait another thirteen days.