Behind the Clouds

Chapter 11

            I had a feeling that we were still missing a place for our LA speed run. It was after ten and a full moon when the night never looked so beautiful. We drove through the night surrounded by the buildings of Santa Monica and all of the lights shining from them. As we drove, I kept thinking back on our day. I thought about how much I smiled and laughed when I thought nothing or nobody could ever make me that happy. My mind kept telling me that you can’t fall for him so easily...But my heart kept remembering the heat and all it wanted was that feeling back. Finally, we reached our destination.

            “I thought since you live in California now it would make sense that we visit a beach,” I said. “I have a big beach blanket in my truck, so I’ll grab it.” We got out of the car, grabbed the blue blanket, and walked down towards the ocean. We stopped right before you could see the wave hit the sand so we didn’t get wet. We sat quietly in front of the moonlit ocean with that comfortable silence we seemed to have found. Then he broke it.

            “This is beautiful. I’ve never seen the moon against the ocean like this,” he said quietly.

            “I know. It’s great. I stopped coming here a while ago. I guess because I was so distracted by everything it just never seemed to cross my mind. I guess I could make this another one of my peaceful spots,” I chuckled. He looked at me.

            “You know you really do look much better when you smile? And three times better when you laugh?” He said smiling. Thank God, it was night time because I’m pretty sure my cheeks were as red as tomatoes. I know for a fact that this is most I’ve ever blushed in...well ever. I looked down at my toes and smiled a little. I remembered this morning when I first smiled and remembered telling myself that I did look better. You don’t know how good it felt to be able to tell myself that, let alone hear that from him.

            “Thanks. You know I’d never be able to admit this to myself until now, but today is the first day I’ve smiled and laughed sincerely in a long time. And…it feels really good to be able to say that.”

            “You know I could tell that today surprised you. When I first made you laugh, I noticed that you caught yourself for a minute. I even felt your mood go down when you saw that baby manatee and thought that you were probably thinking about your dad.” He was looking at me intently. “It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be in pain and secluded from everyone. It’s even ok to hide in your shell every once and a while. But sometimes it’s better to be able to accept the pain because in the end it’ll help you to heal. Accepting it helps to make it easier to live through it. I remember seeing your face when you first yelled at me. You were so angry, and I saw you thinking and the disbelief in your eyes. At first I thought you were crazy. Then again, you are a little crazy,” he joked.

            “Shut up,” I said chuckling.

            “I’m kidding. Anyways, I see now that you were just not used to being so open. You’d been in your shell all that time, and you got so surprised that even a yell came out of you. Why the sudden change?” I got hesitant for bit. Pondering whether or not he should be the second person on the list (beside Eric) to know how I really felt, but then I decided to just explain it. It was no use holding it in anymore.

            “Well first, I have to say you’re pretty good at paying attention to detail and…I admit that after…it happened I stayed...kinda stuck. I was my own personal jail and was too afraid to break out. I didn’t laugh or smile much and whenever people like Connie tried to break me down I didn’t care. It didn’t matter to me when I was already broken. I only made some friends because they came to me first. I was never as happy as them, but I appreciated their company. It was a healthy distraction from whatever was going on in my head. When I met you, I guess you made it easy to push my buttons. I still don’t know how or why, but all of a sudden every feeling I tried so hard to hide got released, and I guess I shoved all of my problems at you. Sorry about that.” Explaining that to him felt like one of the easiest things in the world. It was getting easier and easier to talk to this guy. It felt like I’d known him forever.