Behind the Clouds

Chapter 24 -- Jericho

So it’s pretty clear that last night ended up being the worst night of my life. It felt like that night I saw Piers dead times five. Sometimes emotional pain tends to hurt more than physical pain.

Telling my secret to Ellie was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Never mind. Make that the second hardest thing. The first hardest thing was hearing what her dad did to her and watching her walk away from me. When she left, I had all of this anger and sadness and didn’t know what to do with it. My only options were to punch palm trees or just yell at the sky. I settled for both. Fifteen minutes later, I ended up with bruised and bloody knuckles and a scratchy throat from yelling in frustration. After those fifteen minutes, I didn’t feel the need to be home. Every emotion I felt was just amplified and disrupted any attempt at peace, so I tried to walk it off.

It was late at night and the area was almost completely empty. All I saw were the stray cars driving away on the streets and making their way home. There was a slight feeling of solitude creeping into the emptiness, but it was quickly overpowered by the feelings of pain and sadness from the past hour. Or if you want to get technical, I would say all the pain and sadness from the past week.

I could be convicted. I could lose everything and be put in jail for a crime I didn’t commit. I’d be put in jail for not being strong enough to stop what happened. I’d be put in jail for not being smart enough or brave enough to save my best friend from destroying himself.

After the accident, my family and a few friends tried to convince me that it wasn’t my fault, but that wasn’t enough compared to the verdict the judges came to. Just from lack of information and no other sources to pin, I am their suspect. I am Piers’ ‘supposed killer’ even if they don’t use that title for me. That’s what they’re implying behind my back. When I found out that they blamed me, nightmares happened almost all the time and sometimes I became so scared that when a friend tapped my shoulder to get my attention I’d jump back five feet. At that point, I thought it best to just stop interacting in general.

On the day of Piers’ funeral, his mother had begun to yell at me and beat me for killing their son. It was clear that she had gotten the court’s prediction and had gotten it into her head that I really did all of this. While she was yelling at me and charging towards me, I had a panic attack that sent me to the hospital. Family members had to hold her back to prevent her from hurting me even more. Two years later that’s when my parents decided that it was best that we just move. My parents used their money to persuade the court into having us relocate and maintain contact through the computer to prevent any other outbursts. California was all the way across the pond, so my parents decided on Santa Monica.

Then on October 20th of 2014, I saw Eliana walk into Mr. Goldman’s classroom for the first time and looked her right in the eyes. For those few seconds, I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders and the peace of mind I craved for so long. It puzzled my mind to think that one look from a girl could make me feel so satisfied and peaceful. That foreign feeling is why I just felt so compelled to be the jerk I was to her. I didn’t think I needed the change from the lonely, isolated, and dark place I confined myself to. But after those few days with her, it felt like I was never in the dark in the first place. I felt renewed and just...happy. Then after that dinner, my father sent me the text that the court was close to still convicting me as guilty.

My father was working with our lawyers to try to find other ways to convince the court, but there wasn’t too much that we could do. We didn’t know how long we’d have to wait before the court would give their ultimate decision, but we just hoped that our lawyers would be able to do something to change that before we were out of time.

That’s when my mind went back to that dark place, and I just couldn’t talk to Ellie or really anyone for that matter. I felt so unresponsive and rude to everyone that I didn’t notice that Ellie was hurting, too. I didn’t consider what she might’ve thought of my behavior, but if we’re being honest I completely disregarded her. My mind was completely stuck on the fact that I could be punished for losing my best friend and a switch went off in my head that just made me want to shut myself out from everyone else. Little did I realize that instead that switch should’ve made me need her more than ever.

Now, I’m suffering the aftermath of what I’ve done. I hit the one thing that ever made me feel sane and completely at peace and lost it. I’ve left myself walking alone, sad, and in the dark to who knows where with a mind that is stuck in every dark corner. The way out disappeared an hour ago when Ellie walked away.

I’ve been walking for hours. I’m pretty sure I went in a full circle around the entire park and at some point I ended up at the beach walking there along the sand. The sun was coming up, and I saw some surfers trying to hit some of the earlier waves. Another hour later, I found myself back at the park and just kept walking.

When you’re by yourself, sometimes you do feel some serenity. But sometimes if you’re in one of those bad situations like me, being alone doesn’t feel the best. Then again I’m used to loneliness, so it doesn’t affect me as much. It just takes a little more to get used to now because I never felt it with Ellie. Eventually, I found myself passing by the school. I looked at it and before turning away, I saw the tree. Our tree. I stopped walking away and started for it. It just seemed like the best place to be at the time.

I felt that warm breeze and heard the leaves rustle above me. The area was still quiet. Few cars would pass by within a large time frame, but I paid no attention to them. I was too distracted by my thoughts of the last few hours. She wouldn’t ever accept any apology of mine. Even if I was on my knees and holding millions of dollars she wouldn’t ever forgive me. She made it very clear last night when she so easily walked away from me.

I wiped a stray tear off my face and just closed my eyes against the breeze. The peace was slowly taken away from me, however, when loud cars were stopped at the light right across from me. The rumbles coming from the truck behind the Mazda 3 right in front.

Wait. It looks just like...

Right when I looked toward the Mazda’s driver side window, Ellie was looking right at me. Then everything seemed to just stand still. The world went silent for a minute and it was just her and me. I wished I knew what she was thinking. I wanted to get up and beg her to forgive me, but I was frozen in place. She probably wouldn’t have cared anyway. The truck had interrupted the silence between us, and she turned her head and drove away. Every move she made now was just another move away from me.

And I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t killing me inside to watch her leave. Again.