Behind the Clouds

Chapter 26 12/8/14

Today marks an entire month since Jer and I walked away from each other. It’s been a month since we finally revealed our deepest secrets. It’s also almost been a month since I was almost raped by Emil. Today is pretty much the anniversary of the negative. There hasn’t been a day where I don’t feel excruciatingly sad, but it feels so normal that my mask just prevents me from really showing it.

 Eric’s been picking me up to take me to school since last month. I guess he just wanted to be there for emotional support. I wasn’t gonna say no to that when I’ve been on the verge of coming to school in tears. I’d been so scared that I would have to face him in school, but when I got there that first day back...he wasn’t in class. I was silently grateful but also concerned. That’s when I found out from Mr. Goldman that he was on a trip with his parents and was placed on independent study to catch up while he was gone. If anything he only left, so he didn’t have to face me. If I had that kind of money to just cut school like that I’d do the same thing.

I honestly didn’t think it would, but school felt so much lonelier without him. It was quieter walking to my classes, but when I walk through the quad I can still see the both of us having that first argument. The one where I finally discovered that I was actually capable of anger. I sometimes feel like I’m walking through a movie and watching us fight from the sidelines...watching us have moments. It’s all so painful but soothing at the same time. I always ask myself why the hell can’t I just pick one emotion and stick with it. Life would’ve been so much easier that way.

Then again it wouldn’t really have mattered if the one emotion I stuck with was the negative one. My idea of normal felt more negative anyway. I shook my head to get my thoughts together and started for the rest of my classes. It was time to continue with another supposedly “normal” day.

Every day for a month, I stayed silent in my classes. All the people that had tried to put me down before looked at me like a piece of fresh meat again since I didn’t have Jer to protect me.

Well I did say I wanted normal.

Lunches were the same as before, too. I stuck with the girls and just stayed half attentive as always. When they finally wanted me to explain the break up, I gave them as little details as possible and just said that we just didn’t think it was working. Thankfully, they didn’t ask any more question because I would’ve lost it if they did. They always stayed close and supportive, though.

They kept me in their group chats, so my mind was distracted from other things and kept me on my toes in a way. When I came home from another day at school, I kept my composure. No matter how much my mind and my heart hurt, I remained calm. Nothing would seep into the cracks in my walls because the walls were rebuilt and good as new. The clouds covered my sun back up and blocked the overwhelming amount of sunshine that grew each day with him. Even some people can get tired of too much light.

            I had five more minutes before my fourth period ended and lunch was going to start.

            It’s been a month. It wouldn’t hurt to change it up right?

            Something was compelling me to do something differently this time around. Sure lunch was okay with the girls keeping me distracted, but maybe one day wouldn’t hurt. It had been a month. I’m pretty sure life has hit at least eighty-five to ninety percent of its previous normality. One day wouldn’t hurt.

            When the bell finally rang, I grabbed my stuff and started walking slowly through the hall. Keeping my slow pace, I was checking the area to see that most of the students had already headed to the quad or cafeteria for lunch. No one would pay attention to me if I just walked in the other direction towards the back gate. Once through the gate, I sent a text to the girls saying I was gonna stay in Mr. Gold’s room for some help. As I was walking towards the front of the school, my phone whistled three times, and I paid no attention since it was most likely the girls just saying “ok.”

            I stopped in my tracks and looked at the oak tree. Nothing had changed except the leaves becoming more orange and brown. The ground was covered by some of the crunchy leaves, but the spot still remained sunny because of California’s ever present sunshine even in the “colder” seasons. But my mind was seeing it differently from how my eyes were seeing it. My mind saw every leaf back on the tree with their vivid green color. The spot was a bit shadier with the tree’s fuller branches blocking out the right amount of sunshine, and I can see myself sitting under the tree and looking out towards the street. I was crying...and then I remembered that that was the day Jer punched Joey for me.

The scene of that day was playing, and I was watching it from behind the scenes.

Jer scaring me out of my misery and fear from when he hit Joey.

Me yelling at him for it.

Him apologizing for before...and collecting himself and calming his anger.

Him walking towards me to pull me in and hold me.

Me telling him that no one had ever stood up for me before.

Him calling me his.

Me calling him mine.

Him kissing me and the tears off my face.

Then the scene changed to that next day. Our first Tuesday together.

Us sneaking through the gate and laying side by side under the tree.

Us learning more little details about each other.

Me explaining why “Tarzan” was my second favorite Disney movie.

Him explaining how he understood me...how we understood each other.

Us looking up at the sky.

Why did everything have to feel so annoyingly good around him? The images of us disappeared and time slipped back to normal. The dead and dying leaves on the ground, sunshine falling through the spaces in the branches, and the emptiness of the spot. I reluctantly walked towards what untouched space there was and just sat there. I leaned my head against the tree trying to feel that serenity I used to feel sitting there, but what small amount that was slowly growing was dissipating in seconds. Then there was just nothing again. I closed my eyes in frustration and disappointment.

Why did it have to feel like this? Why did he have to take it all with him?

Suddenly, I heard footsteps in the grass walking towards the tree. My eyes snapped open and my mind was on alert.

“Who’s there?” I asked firmly. The footsteps stopped. I didn’t want to show my face if it was a student who might snitch on me, so I stayed behind the tree. I still didn’t hear anything from the intruder, but kept my composure, so I didn’t blow up. But then the person started walking again slowly.

One step...another...

And then the steps got faster. The person was running away. I got up from my spot and turned to see someone got through the gate in the hedges that formed a barrier around our school. I couldn’t really see who it was, but I knew it was guy.

It’s him.