505 days ~ irwin

450 days before

01:02

"Calum, we need to go right now." I tried over powering the loud music.

"Brinley, did you drink something?" He pulled me off to the side.

We were only apart for two hours, but that's plenty of time at a party. I didn't answer Calum so I think he knew what I would have said was. He pulled my arm outside the front door and pushed the people away. He put me in the passengers side while he drove out into the pitch dark highway. I was terrified but we left the party, I was sad, I fucked up everything. I fuck up everything I touch.

"Brin, what happened?"

"I don't- I don't know." I felt like I needed to puke, not because I drank. I'm a good drinker and I've never puked when I drank before. "I just want to sleep, Calum."

"Okay, I'll drive you home." He said.

"Stay over?" Calum has slept over at my house plenty of times because our parents are really close so they obviously know we're not going to do anything.

"I think I have to because you are not in a state to be alone right now." He said.

--

"Come on Brin." Calum said struggling to help me up the stairs. I don't think my parents were home, thankfully, because then I would get kicked out of the house for coming home from the city drunk. We somehow made it up the flight of stairs and Cal dragged me all the way down the hall and into my bed. "Now lay down." He rested me down and put the duvet covers over me. I tried to reach for my Moby Dick novel on my bedside table, Calum just looked at me, confused as hell. "Are you seriously going to read?" He gave me the book and watched as I opened the hard cover only to reveal a box of malboro lights tightly snug in the middle, followed by the lighter on top. "Classic Brinley Reynolds."

I lit the cigarette and agreed to lie down, but refused the blankets.

"Can you tell me what happened?" He said. I didn't feel like talking right now, not because I was messed up or anything but because I just didn't want to speak about that topic right now. I wonder where Ashton is right now. I wonder if he's okay, all these things I wondered but he probably isn't wondering about me. Which made me only wonder more. He's probably watching football, writing or doodling. Perhaps he's writing me a song or poem to try and win back my heart. But impossible because he does not care about me, therefore I don't care about him. The playing field was a bit unfair but we were both on the same level of aaggression. "Brin?"

I exhaled in a long, straight line of smoke. "I dunno." Was my only answer I could come up with. Not "He hurt me" or "I still love him" I didn't lie, nor did I want to lie. I built this persona for myself, this reputation of being a mysterious smoker who is highly intelligent, spontaneous, sneaky, and fearless. But the best explanation I could think of was "I dunno."

Nice.

He snuggled him right beside me and laid on the same pillow. I assumed he wanted a drag so I offered, and he took. "Talk to him." He talked slow and quiet. Calum attempted to blow smoke rings but failed majorly.

"I can't." I said, taking the half finished cigarette.

"The wild, couragous, Brinley Reynolds who's real name nobody is allowed to know or say, can do anything she puts her mind to. This is coming from the same Brin that sneaks into ex-boyfriends houses in the middle of the night, vandalizing wall to wall with her signature tag, but still managing not to be seen or heard. The same Brinley that when walking down the halls, makes all the guys swoon and stare because all they can see is your face and your booty in those jeans-"

"Okay, okay, okay, thank you Calum. I get it." I giggled out the smoke from my lungs. "But I think it's best I'm out of his life. I don't want to drag him to my level and I certainly don't want him to develop feelings for me."

"Too late, mate. He's fallen harder for you then he ever has for anyone else. You may not see it but everyone else does because you choose to ignore 'cause of some stupid promise you made when you were 14, Brin he loves you like mad." He said as he put out the cigarette in the empty candle glass.

"Maybe." I shut my eyes for a second or more, but it felt like hours. "Now pass me another cigarette while I put on Blackfish." I sighed deeply thinking for just a second.

I love him. But I can't be with him, I really want to, but I can't. When I leave I wish him nothing but the best, and I want him to forget about me and move on. Because love to me is just another road block.