505 days ~ irwin

428 days before

Brinley

I watched Calum skip rocks across the clear shallow water, well atempting to at least. I have been speanding so mcuh time with Calum lately, everyday for an extensive amount of time. He was like a replacent, but not because he was better, and better for me. I wish I never shove him out of my life like I did. Well that an exaggeration because he was always my best friends, besides Ashton, but we weren't as close as we were when we were in year 9, but I'm glad he's coming back. I held a flask full of 2 parts blue gatorade and 3 parts vodka. It was half way, because I left some from a couple nights ago. It wasn't enough to make me forget, sadly.

"Do you think that if I don't go to college, my parents would still love me the same?" Calum asked. If I wasn't drunk I would think he was kidding. But for some reason when I drink I actually have feelings and show them for once, which is weird for me. He looked sad, and I didn't like that. Well drunk Brinley didn't like that, but still.

"They would still love you no matter what, Calum Hood. It will just take them a bit to accept it because they build up this image for you that they think you will follow because it's where their brain is, but it's not where yours is. Give it time." I took a long pull off the weird, but for some reason amazing mixture in my hand.

"That's literally the weirdest mixture I've ever heard of, Brin." He laughed. Good, I thought. He's laughing, I hope I could get his mind of this dumb college thing that's been bugging him for awhile. He was so stressed about telling his parents that I felt bad, but he said it wasn't for sure. He averted his eyes from me taking small sips, followed by sour faces, and continued with his rock throwing.

"If it gets me there, doesn't matter what I take." I referenced life itself and me getting drunk. I usually do that which doesn't surprise anybody anymore. "Plus we had no fizzy drinks left so your football juice had to do the job." Before we got here I had to raid Calum's fridge for fizzy drinks, this was the closest I could get.

"Where are you going to go after grad? I don't think I've ever heard you talk about it before."

Great. Another one who doesn't listen about to me, just great.

"You'll see."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you will see, Calum." I giggled, taking an extra long sip. "Are you going to live with your girlfriend after grad?" I asked. Talking about Danielle was always a hard topic for him because she lived so far away and he didn't want to be sad, but I was drunk, I didn't know.

"Uh- yeah, I don't know. We- we, uh, we haven't talked about our future yet." Calum took a seat right beside me, fiddling his thumbs after he spoke. I started to feel a little bad that I ever brought her up, but good thing she wasn't dead.

"Talk to her."

"I'm going to my dad's sometime this week, I'll talk to her then." He looked up at the tide. It was coming closer but we didn't care about water, water was at the least of our worries right now. We had so much on our plates, and even more improtant things to worry about.

"Take a sip." I offered him my matte black flask, holding it out for so long that it made my arm start to ache.

"I can't Brin, I'm going to drive you back home." He thought about it for a second, but pushed away my arm.

"I call it Brinley's blue." I thought of the first thing that would come to my brain. My name and my favorite colour.

He laughed. Even gooder, I thought. Gooder's not even a word, I thought again. Whatever. It's good to know that I can turn his frown into a smile, but also can turn his smile into a frown in a matter of seconds and a couple words.

"Since your drunk, will you tell me more stories you would never tell me when you're sober?" I knew he would ask, and I already know what he's going to ask, but who cares, ceratinly not me that's for sure.

"Shoot." I took a short sip, licking my lips only to make the taste even stranger, mixed with my cherry lip balm.

"Say something deep, about yourself. Y'know, like you always do." He finally stopped fiddling his thumbs and looked at me. I turned to him, sitting cross legged as he did the same.

"What do you mean always?" I wondered.

"I don't know, you always say deep shit randomly but incorperate it into daily conversations." He explained. I guess I do it so often that I don't even realise it anymore. I have so much to say and it doens't go anywhere, so I'm assuming it just spills out here and there.

"There's nothing interesting about me, Calum. That's the thing." I twisted the cap back on the flask, struggling at first, because my vision was a little off.

"Oh, yes there is, Brin. You know it-"

"No, Calum. There's really not." I almost shouted, but stopped myself because now was not a time to get angry. "Everyone has their things: you have football, Michael has computers, Savannah has Fashion, Aubrey has any fucking school subject in the bag, and I could go on but neither of us have the time. But me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have- had Ashton, but that's gone. After graduation I'll watch as everyone goes travelling, off to Uni, leaving me. But it's okay because I'm used to it. There's nothing more in store for me, Hood. Maybe this is just the end of the road, a dark fucking road. I haven't seen the sun once. I wish I could find the grass on the other side, but I don't even know where the other side is. But I know that I want to get there. I just don't- I don't want to be Brinley." I spat.

"Brinley, you know that's not-"

"Let's get going." I stood up, tripping over my own shoes, almost eating shit. I started to walk towards the blurred image of my jeep, with Calum helpning me as I leaned on him. We walked in silence. He knew that he shouldn't say anything, he got used to it recently. He knows that if he keeps trying to go against me, I won't budge. I have my own perspective and that won't change. I know that pisses people off, but it's me.

And I hate me.