daddy issues

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jj-


 

       good days can be hard to come by. and it's alright to be sad on those days. sometimes you just want some time to figure it out. and i'm happy that kiara respects that. even though i stole her room for four days.

today, she told me that she got a judge to approve jackson's adoption by us. and i got out of bed and put on one of her dad's button ups, khaki shorts, and some loafers (i looked like a real kook.) even though i hated that stuffy fit, i knew i would have to wear it for jackson. and i love the kid.



i was already dressed, so i told kie i would get him dressed. i picked him up, and put on a white onesie and some black socks. "hey kid," i smiled, giving him a kiss on his little cheek. "you're gonna be a maybank in a few minutes." i pop a squat on the ground.


kie-


"you're gonna be a better, smarter than me, kid. i just know it. and you're gonna be the sweetest little stinker, you know that?"

i hear jj say from jackson's nursery. i pick my shoes (some sandals) into my hand, and slowly sneak to the door, holding up my phone, recording the moment.

"and i promise, as long as i'm here, i will protect you. and god, i hope i'll be better than my dad. i know i will," he smiles. "know what? i will be better, because i'll have your mommy right on on my ass. and kid, i will always be there. whenever you need me. to stop someone from hurting you. my fists don't ever fucking discriminate. not anymore."

i question that. what does he mean, not anymore?


"and jack, i promise to always love you, kid. forever. no matter what. you and whatever siblings your mom and i, fingers crossed, have in the future." he laughs, as jackson smiles, eyes closed. "now, let's go before your mom kicks my ass for being late." he says, grabbing his backpack.

i stop the recording, and quickly dash into the living room. "jj, jackson! are you guys ready?" i ask, slipping my shoes on. jj comes out of the hallway, stepping up onto the little step in front of my door.

    "we're ready," he says, as i open the door for him.


     we walk out into the bright north carolina summer sun as it glistens on our tanned skin. we strap jackson into his car seat, and then we get in the car ourselves.

     jj is driving, his hand close to mine. i want to hold it. to squeeze it. to tell him that's it not going to hurt him. that i'm in love with him.

    but it's going to have to wait.

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