hey rockstar

eighty six ; think hard

TENLEY

Calum stays tucked into the closet, silent after I ask my question. It feels like I'm talking to a wall until he comes out - hoodie over his head and his lip tucked tightly between his teeth.

"Darling, you know i want you to do whatever you can to feel safe and in control. If you want-"

"Do YOU think I should though," he shrugs, looking a little bit sadder than before.

"If i'm being selfish i don't think you should. You would be so worried around the baby, and how often would you truly get to see the Heart family anyway?" He pauses.

"And if you're being selfless?"

"Then i think you could go home, and you would be able to teach in person and move around the city. Life would be back to normal and you might like it better."

"You're right. But then when would i get to see you again?"

"I have no idea."

"Me either, this isn't going away for a while."
"I know."

"I'm going to stick to what i decided before. I'm saying here, I mean I could get sick on the damn plan."

I lift myself off the bed and smile at Cal, he smiles back sadly but nods his head. I touch his arm softly and he chuckles.

"Hey, Tom said he could come late next week. He put himself in quarantine and got tested."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you ready for it?"

"As I'll ever be," his smile is brighter. I had almost forgotten that I mentioned I wanted to get some tattoos. I'm lucky to have Calum and this Tom guy.

"Alright, we better go get those two or he'll get grumpy."

The few minute drive to Ashton's house feels so much longer than it used to. But thankfully Ash and Kaykay are standing at the end of their driveway, masks on and waving like crazy. They pull the masks down a little as they step up to my open window with huge smiles on their faces.

"Hey, you ready for this?"

"Absolutely not!" He laughs at me but nods his head. "You don't have to wear your mask. I trust you."

"Okay, we trust you too."

As they clamber in the car their smiles are still on their faces.

"I missed you guys." Ashton smiles softly looking at me with soft eyes that look rather full of tears.

"Ash, you saw us like two months ago.."

He shrugs, as if he forgot to borrow our pool a few months ago to take his solo album cover. He was in the backyard for all of 30 minutes before he ran away laughing and absolutely dripping wet.

"That doesn't count, i only got to see you through the kitchen door."

"Yeah cause you wouldn't let me come out to see you?"

"Cause i worry about you!"

I roll my eyes and Calum chuckles. I know he would never admit it but the way that I get along with all of the other boys after such a short time makes him happy. And I see the ways he acts with the other girlfriends and how close he has gotten with them after all of the years.

"Coffee orders?"

The drive thru takes much longer than it needs to as Calum struggles to order through his mask before finally they just called us to the window and asked us to explain it. By the time we paid and left Calums face was bright red and he looked to be in a terrible mood and I could tell the other two were catching on to it as well.

"So, where are we going hiking?" Silence and he sighs.

I place my hand softly on his, he doesn't look at me but he relaxes just enough to hold my hand. I tune into the radio until I find one playing some of the better songs from the early 2000's. Ones that the boys had covered early on and Ashton laughs.

"Sometimes I think we should have a mini throwback tour."

"Oh you for sure should!" Kaykay smiles tapping my arm excitedly, "you could dress up like you used to!"

"Oh my god yes please? Bring back those muscle shirts please Cal?" I get an eyebrow raise.

"Cal is swole now, it will look a little better."

"That is correct Ash, good point."

"I liked the bandana's, I thought they were cute," Kaykay has a smile, crinkling her eyes as she laughs at him.

"Do you think we could convince one direction to be a band again for a tour?"

"While a great idea, i don't think so T."

"Fuck, i was really hoping we could honestly."

"Big dreams you got," I laugh tapping my fingers on Cal's knuckles. He drives through slimming streets in the city climbing hills slowly. I listen as Ash and Kaykay plan this imaginary throwback tour with All Time Low, and Hot Chelle Rae and I can't help but laugh. We all know it won't happen but being able to take our minds of the world as it is right now feels better than nothing. FInally we parked and set out to hike.

Calum grips my hand tightly, keeping his gaze on me as we walk slowly.

"Hey T..."

"Yeah?"

"Would you ever write a book?"

"Maybe, why? Should I be writing one?"

"Yeah," Ashton smiles, stepping back to fall in line beside me and he bumps his shoulder. "I think you should write a book on mental health."

"Oh i don't have-"

"You don't need lots of experience T, you just need enough and to have made it out. And you work so hard to make sure everyone is okay...i think it would be worth it."

"Oh well, i don't have lots of time-"

"Hey, that's kind of a lie, you took away lots of your kids homework and assignments."

"Yeah cause teaching online 17 or whatever hours behind is way too hard on us all. But i'll think about it."

"Think hard yeah?"

"I'll try."