hey rockstar

fifty ; a hidden letter, or two (TW)

***THIS IS A TRIGGER WARNING. THE END OF THE CHAPTER DEALS WITH THE IMPLICATION OF A SUICIDE NOTE AND DEATH. THIS IS A POTENTIAL TRIGGER, PLEASE BE CAREFUL, AS THIS COULD POTENTIALLY BE HARMING***

"You're doing better hey?" I nod as we walk into a very white, modern jewellery shop. A younger girl jumps to help Crystal while we split off looking at other rings.

"Hey, look at this one!" I watch as Kaykay points to a crystal clear ring, her eyes wide. "If Ash ever needs ring advice...this."

"Do you think you'll get married soon?"

"Well, it's been almost three years since we started dating and mean...we really do love one another and I know he's the one for me. If that's not cheesy," she shrugs, blushing slightly as she moves on to a different ring.

"It's not cheesy, love is love and it can be so incredibly beautiful. It's okay to dream about getting married, I mean So don't you?"

"Oh every day. I mean was engaged once but i never really got a ring and not to sound selfish but...I think would want one - not to be greedy but-"

"Hey, the ring is the best part, you know that," Crys jmps back into the conversation, smiling as she holds up a smaller band slipping it on her finger with her engagement ring.

"This look good?" We all nod, before the three turn to me.

"I can't wait until you and Cal get engaged," my eyebrows aise, I'm sure disappearing. I mean yes we have talked about our future but, by no means do i expect that to happen so quickly - he can be a tough guy to get to.

"C'mon, you know it's going to happen. That boy loves you more than...literally anything in the world. Seeing you two engaged would be, it would be my dream come true," Sierra looks at me softly, I know how close she is to Calum and exactly how much she has helped him grow and understand himself. To have her say that, feels so much more concrete than just us talking about it.

"While I also agree with this, I'm all done and I need to get my shop on," we laugh following Crystal out of the store

CALUM

"So...It's okay right?"

"Yeah, she's doing a lot better, I think she might bounce back and forth between okay and not okay but, that's normal right?"

"Yeah, I mean it's like any emotion. You have good days and bad days, maybe a few in the middle days but...you'll be okay at some point right?"

I nod, agreeing with Ash as I stare out into the yard. We had a few phone and video meetings this morning almost as soon as they were over Ash was at my front door ready to just chill out together for the day. We messed around with music for a bit before deciding to soak up the nice weather as a break from everything. The idea of no tour, no album release is exhausting and terrifying.

"I have a weird question, a dark question actually.." I turn slightly, looking at him.

"What do you mean?"

"Well I was just thinking...tenley's been through so much. I mean her dad was a busy guy, she didn't have the best relationship with her mum. Her friend nearly killed her and died right in front of her, she struggled through recovery. She moved away from her family, had a toxic and abusive relationship and she's still here."

"Yeah?" The feeling in my stomach is anticipating the question that's going to follow, the question that I've thought a hundred times myself.

"Do you think she's okay? Like really okay, do you think she's ever had a really hard time?"

"I...I don't even know. I like to think she hasn't but i mean look at us."

"Our lives have been so good, and yet I've been so close, Michael, all of us really. But she..." he shakes his head in complete awe of her.

"It's weird to ask though right? I mean she's happy, and so so kind i-"

"Well you know what they say right? It's easy to hide and we both know that," I nod my head thinking about how low she could've fallen. And the life she's had.

"I want to ask but," my chest begins to sting and he nods his head, leaning over his

shoulder with a sympathetic look.

"I'll see if I can kind anything out, i doubt she would talk about that kind of stuff

with anyone."

"Mate i really don't know," he sighs heavily, looking back into the house for a moment.

"What was that big box from? The one on the table."

"Oh, her mum arranged a bunch of stuff for her dad to send to her, we got it a few days ago," I shrug remembering what was in it very distinctly. "It was kinda neat, pictures, a necklace, her engagement ring, a video..."

"Pictures?"

"Yeah like baby pictures. We didn't look through them but they looked super cute," i laugh totally forgetting to go through the pile of pictures her mum had sent her. But I stand up, grabbing the pictures from the box and bringing them outside to the table - spreading them across the glass.

As the pile became nothing I noticed a small, yet thick yellow envelope was tucked into the back.

"We shouldn't read that...right..." Ash sounds like he's trying to convince himself as I turn the envelope in my hands - the back simply tucked into itself.

"It could be personal, or important, right?"

"IF we open this, we can't tell her okay?" He looks down at his phone for a moment, knowing that the girls will be another hour or two before they come home, and he nods fidgeting as I open the envelope.

Inside of it are two separate pieces. One is several sheets of paper folded together, the handwriting familiarly neat and small, and the other is roughly the same but with different handwriting. I pick up the second stack, handing the other to Ashton, reading them separately.

The letter is addressed to Tenley, written sweetly in her mother's twirling handwriting dated nearly six years ago. It details the appreciation that she holds for her daughter, and the strength she sees in her for continuing to go on. But it also discusses that she found her note, tucked into one of her favourite books. She asks her to speak with her, and to understand that there are smaller things to live for that there is no need to think the way she was - survivors guilt is real.

As I continue reading, I glance at Ashtons face, his jaw is slacked and he looks to have tears in his eyes. At this point, I know exactly what it is. At the very end of this note she took it upon herself to create a list;

Things to live for: your favourite band, to make the world a kinder place, to share your story and help others, when you wake up early to a rainy day, dad's sunday crepes, new books you're going to love, your favourite sweatshirt, cuddling up beside the fire in the winter, good hair days, cheesy jokes, road trips to see grandma and grandpa in Arizona, because you will be missed.

"Ash...is that," he nods, holding the letter to his chest.

"I'm not giving you this, I can't. You can't read it, it will break you."

"Ashton seriously, give it to me-" I stretch my hand out to grab it but when I do he pulls it farther away and a small voice echoes in the yard.

"What are you two doing?" I pause, my brain not thinking nearly as fast as it should. By the time I can think of what to say Ashton has kidnapped her and disappeared into the house. So I sit, reading over the paper in my hand, over and over again - but I know I need to be with them right now.