hey rockstar

ninety one ; i'm okay

TENLEY

I couldn't sleep after Calum had finally told me how he was feeling. I felt almost guilty, keeping myself up to make sure he would sleep. I know he's been having troubles sleeping before 4 and he always wakes up around the same time as me - i don't know how he managed to function like that actually. I pull my phone and call Simone. She always knows what to do.

"Tenley, what's up?"

"Oh just can't sleep what's up with you?"

"Trying to get the baby to sleep. She has a knack for staying up late like her dad," I chuckle imagining Simone huddled into one side of their couch watching TV on mute so she doesn't disturb little Helena. All while Jere is screaming at his video games in the basement until god knows when.

"You sound shook up, what's wrong?"

"Oh, Cal had..." I pause looking at him, cuddled into my chest and I drop my voice. "Cal had a bit of a moment. The pandemic is really getting to him and I had to try and coax his actual feelings out of him."

"How'd that go?"

"Not very good."

"Oh really?" I can hear her shifting. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah he's asleep I just feel..."

'Guilty I guess."

"I think that's probably just a little bit of trauma. Like I know you know not to feel guilty over someone's feelings - because you know you can't control those. But I also know, you were really accustomed to that. And you being one big change in his life ight now you think things would be different if you were home."

"Yeah. That's exactly it."

"Well it would be different," a pause," But probably not good different. Imagine if he were alone he would feel so much worse. But he has you there to look after him and you noticed he was off right?"

"Yeah, and I talked to Ash and dad kind of about what to do. I mean I know he has some dark times but I was really worried they would be too dark for him you know?" I can practically see her nodding on the other side of the world.

"T, you are the most caring person I know. But you are also the one person I know who has been treated so terribly it should be illegal. I know you hate when people you love are upset and you can't be with them - I mean remember your dad when your mum passed? You were livid you couldn't go there."

"I know but this is different. This isn't my fight to fight and I don't know how to help him, help himself," I sigh, running my fingers through Cals hair. It's gotten so long since the last time he had it cut. It's starting to curl around my fingers with dark peeking out of the bright white.

"It's a part of your fight now. You guys are together, you want to get married and be together forever that's something you guys are ready for with one another. So this can be your fight to help with. And I know you know how to help him you're just pretending you don't."

"Well I mean I suggested we find someone for him to talk to but..."

"That was a good thing to do. I bet he doesn't want to worry you about his thoughts does he?" I shake my head. "Figured, that's such a guy thing. So that's the next best thing - someone he can talk to to make sure he's okay. And now he can keep talking to them or however long he wants even on tour."

"So It was okay to say that?"

"Of course," her accent is so thick it makes me miss home, and all of the kids back home. If i can't be there for their graduation...

"I feel so awful for him."

"I know you do but he'll be okay now and you know that."

"I do, I do."

"And how are you doing? I know you see your students lots and have lots of meetings, but are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm okay. I've been doing loads of reading, doom scrolling trying to keep myself busy."

"WHy don't you pick up a hobby? I mean what's the worst that can happen?"

"I have no idea what kind of hobby I would pick up," I giggle to myself and she laughs.

"Why don't you write? I know you love it."

"What do I write about?"

"Anything you can put your mind to. History, what's happening now. You could make a children's book, or a book for Helena to read when she gets older. You could write a book on teaching during a pandemic - T you're possibilities ar literally endless."

"You're right, I should try writing. The students have started doing final projects and getting ready for graduation. It'll keep me busy without them."

"Exactly! Plus it's something you love and can pass onto them," I can hear her moving Helena around before she sighs softly. "Do you think you'll be able to come home soon?"

"I hope so. I mean, we could get special privileges because Cal is infamous and all but I would feel guilty over that you know?"

"Yeah I know. Maybe things will calm down a bit there's still three months."

"Me too, I want to meet that baby you know. She's so cute in pictures, but I;'m sure she's better in person."

"So much better, she misses her auntie you know?"

"I know. I miss her too. And her parents."

Simone sighs and I know she's feeling overwhelmed and upset. Jeremy has been home to help and he has been - she gets morning breaks he gets night breaks. And her parents are over as much as they can but she's always felt best when I'm around to let her know it's okay.

"It's okay to feel overwhelmed you know Someone. You're still in a pandemic, with a new baby and hormones," a small sniffles and she laughs.

"I know, I just miss you so freaking much Tenley."

"I miss you too. But,are you okay?"

"I'm okay.