hey rockstar

ninety ; breaking point

Around 1 I make it to bed, moving slowly as I try not to make noise or wake up the dogs. I got so into my head I almost lost myself, forgetting to breathe with unsteady eyes and a heavy heart. When I climb into bed I turn away from Tenley who's wrapped up in a mountain of blankets and I stare at the wall. It's the same as it was last night and it's the same as it will be tomorrow.

"Cal?" I hum in response, she turns, her voice scratchy. "It's late, everything is okay."

As soon as she says that my heart falls to my stomach and I shake my head. She can't see me but she can hear me, and how air starts to get stuck in my chest as I struggle against the tears. She clambers out of the blankets quickly flicking on a lamp and gripping my arm softly trying to get me to look at her.

"Hey, hey it's okay it's alright. What's wrong, why are you upset?"

"I'm just so tired." She nods, her hair falling onto my arm. I breathe deeply, sitting up. She smells like lavender - as always.

"Your body or your mind?"

"I don't know both? I just can;t stand it. Everything, everything feels so wrong and so heavy."

"The world, it's a heavy thing," her voice shakes. "And it's okay to put it down for a little while."

"I don't know how. I miss everything and everyone. I feel like I can't leave the house but I don't want to leave the house at the same time. Everything about the house feels so tight and fragile. I hate it so much. I hate this fucking house."

"You know what, me too. We can get rid of it."

"No, no, no," I laughed a little through my heavy tears. "I don't, I don't hate the house. I'm just tired of being in it, stuck in it."

"Cal, you don't have to worry about me. If you want to leave and do something you can."

I know she feels bad, like a burden because her health troubles are affecting me but that's not even it. If i were here alone it would be so much worse.

"No, i don't want to. I don't want to risk anybody," i choke on my tears thinking about it, "I don't want to get anyone sick. Not even just you."

"I know honey."

"And I miss mum and dad. I know I talk to them all the time, But I haven't seen them in so long. And almost everytime I talk to them, they just seem sad. Because Mali and I haven;t been home since christmas. Usually I get to visit and I can't. And I never get to see the boys we're all in our little worlds and I didn;t think i would miss them so much even though they're only a few blocks away. I mean we literally just saw Ashton today!"

"Honey, I don't have anything to make you feel better. I don't know if this will be over soon, or if it will be over ever. I don't know when you will get to see them or your parents everything is up in the air. And I want to have answers for you i don't"

"That's okay. I just, I've gone back to that dark place again and I can't get myself out of it. I'm sorry darling."

"Don't be sorry. You can't always be one thing and You know that. How many times have I told you about my leffort with mental health and how long it took?"

"Lots," I sniffle slightly and she nods. Her hands tangle softly in my hair as she tries to calm me down.

"You can be sad, or angry, or just exhausted. That's totally normal and I'm not upset. I can't be upset this is you. And I love you no matter if you're in the shadows or in the spotlight."

"I hate it, I hate feeling like this."

"I know, but if we don't feel like this sometimes, how are we going to know when we're in the good places again?"

"Right," another sniffle and she sighs.

"Cal, I know you don't like talking about it with me but I would like it if you did. Bottling this up inside yourself isn't good for you."

"I just, i feel bad cause things could be-"

"Don't ever downplay your struggles. Your struggles, and battles are just as important as the next persons. There is no worse or better it all is something we need to pay attention to. Because losing people is hard. Even if it's just for a little while."

"Okay."

"Do you think you should talk to a psychologist? Would that help?"

I had never even thought about it. I've always been able to pull myself out of whatever dark whole i dug myself. Even talking to the boys or family has helped but this time...this time it feels like i'm alone. But I would almost rather be alone than putting all of this onto Tenley's shoulders.

"Maybe? I don't know, I think it's just a pandemic."

"It could be, but even if you only talk to them until you feel...better maybe that's not the worst thing?"

"I guess you're right," she is always right. I can stop whenever I want to.

"Do you feel a little better?"

"Kinda."

"Should we watch a show until you can fall asleep?" i nod, sleep has been so hard lately I probably won't fall asleep for a couple of hours.

But shockingly after only a few minutes with my head on Tenley's chest watching some kids movie with bright colours and playful music, my eyes start to feel heavy and tired.