hey rockstar

fifty one ; ambushed (TW)

***THIS IS A QUICK LITTLE TRIGGER WARNING, THIS CHAPTER DEALS WITH THE MENTIONS/THOUGHT OF SUICIDE AND STRUGGLES, AS WELL AS DISCUSSION INVOLVING A SUICIDE NOTE. THIS IS POTENTIAL TRIGGER.

DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO READ, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE STRONG!***

ASHTON

Seeing Calums struggle I take the opportunity to take Tenley into another room, we only get a moment or two alone before Calum steps into the studio looking sad, hurt even settling himself on the floor and staring at me.

"I didn't read it, but I feel like I need to be a part of the conversion," I nod as I pass the note over to Tenley, sharing barely glances at it before she looks at me, confusion on her face.

"SO, there was some notes in your little box, and we weren't going to read them -"

"But you did, and that's okay. But...what is this?"

"Honestly, I have no idea," I shrug, watching her sit on the floor, her leg just barely brushing Calums. I sit across from her hoping she can see the struggle in my face. "I just want to make sure that you're okay."

"I am okay, I am so very okay. Guys, I wrote this when I was fifteen," she points to the date in the corner. At first I didn't even see the date, late august of 2013 just a few weeks after her accident happened.

"Okay, but why did your mum send this to you? Why would you want to keep this?"

"After my accident, I was going through some things - lots of pain, surgery and I had to bury one of my best friends. I was having some...dark thoughts that I felt the need to get rid of. SO for six months while I was doing all my physical therapy and struggling I took my time and I wrote out some lists, and notes," she shrugs, as if it's nothing.

"Tenley, a suicide not is not nothing it's-"

"I know it's a big deal. So, when my mum found one of the notes that I hid, she wrote me a note back and she talked about how she understood me and my pain and that she wanted me to understand it. So when I was able to get back to school, work, and dance I took up therapy."

"And...you're better?"

"That's the thing about trauma. Trauma doesn't go away, it stays with your forever but the significance can slowly begin to dwindle as life goes on. But your trauma creates who you are as a person - my therapists, both of them, said it was a normal thing for people with survivor's guilt to do. ANd after they found Simon's note I...I was interested in what it was like."

"You want to die?" Cakum sounds just as shocked as I do, going pale very quickly.

"No, no, no, I just wanted to see if the note helped, or made anything better. He wrote his note almost a year before he passed. And I didn't plan or think that I was going to stop living, or disappear or anything. I just wanted to feel it. So as my therapy went on my mum would leave me little notes, small easy reasons to live. I have a whole box of sticky notes full of little easy reasons to live. And I still add to it."

"And that's normal?"

"No, it's not really. But my therapist says that, it's not harming me or creating a dependency on people or things because they are different than the usual list."

"I think...I think I understand you. I mean, we made one of my notes into a song," I chucke pathetically remembering one of the darkest periods of my life - it is eternalized in an album. " It helps, having people know."

"Exactly. And telling people 'hey I'm having a low day, or a dark day' isn't always going to work. So as I got older I relied on myself to help me find good things in the day. A good song, I made the perfect pour, someone told me I had a pretty smile..."

I nod, watching Calum. Over ten years we have all had very low, and dark periods that we needed help getting out of. We have been all of our rocks, and our own therapists but Calum has kept to himself as these things happened. ALways being able to just say, I'm not doing good today, I feel dark, I feel sad today and it won't go away. But compared to the rest of us, he hasn't needed nearly as much help - and I think maybe he does, he just internalizes it more than us.

"I'm okay, I promise." Calum looks like he's choking down tears as Tenley approaches him. She slowly wraps an arm around him, whispering something in his ear as he nods. "I'm not going anywhere okay?"

"Has therapy really helped you?" She nods, smiling softly.

"There's not as much judgement as you think behind therapy. It's a person who is helping you understand where your willingness to go on comes from. Therapy is a beautiful thing."

"I've been thinking about going...but, I don't know," Cal's head raises, and she nods.

"I think you should, it will feel good to talk openly about that stuff, but you know you don't have to right?"

"I know, but how does it work when we're away? DO I skip it?"

"No, you shouldn't miss that many unless you're sick. You could do it over the phone, or video call - which I find a little easier cause I can see her."

"I think, I think I'm gonna do it. I want to get better, for real this time."

"Hey," she raises an arm to me, motioning for me to give her a hug."I'm really proud of you."

"I'm really proud of you, look how far you've come from that time. You really are happy aren't you?"

"I am, and you guys have helped with that a lot, trust me," in between us Calum sniffles slightly and I squeeze the two a little bit tighter than before.

I feel guilty, I pressured them both to be in this conversation, a hard conversation and I didn't need to. I should have known that Ten;ey was alright, seeing her everyday and the way she interacts with people is basically proof that she is okay. But...after Michael and Calum found my note, and talked to me I've realized how much happier you can make yourself to people. And I don't think I could stand to lose tenley, she is the person that we were missing, and I know for a fact that Calum couldn't handle losing her.

"You're not mad are you?" hearing Cal's voice is a bit of a shock at first, but when he says it I realize that the ambushing could have been entirely angering.

"No. I'm actually glad, because if I struggle at least you guys know to do something. This was just a fluke, right?" We chuckle, but nod. "Alright, no tears, everyone is okay. Wanna go look at my baby pictures?"

"Actually, kind of. You looked like a cute kid," she nods, picking us all up to walk back outside.

We spend about an hour going through the pictures as she tells us about each and everyone of them. I will admit that she was a very cute baby, with her big eyes and tight little curls. But after so long I begin to feel exhausted, my body is ache and my head begins to hurt so I decide to head home, waving goodbye to the couple as I walk down the driveway.

But there's still a small sense of guilt in my stomach, how would I feel if someone ambushed me like that?