hey rockstar

fifty two ; i read it

CALUM

After Ash let my body feel heavy and tired, like I'd just played a 12 hour show. Rather than indulge in my questions anymore, I turn my back on Tenley and head to bed much too early. I can see her watching me with sadness, and worry on her face but I offer a small smile before closing the bedroom door, the dogs following closely behind me. When I settle on my stomach I watch Butterscotch curl into her usual ball - watching me with big blue eyes in the fading light.

"Am I a bad person for feel like this?" Silence. "I want her to know, that I love her and that that doesn't change anything but...I'm so worried about her now."

More silence fills the room, and I listen to Tenley walk quietly around the house. The longer I lay in silence, and the darker it gets I feel as though...I handled something wrong. Whether it be the passing of her mother, or the information that was given to me tonight, I feel as though I took something the wrong way.

But I feel the note in my pocket. I had taken it when they weren't looking, knowing that Ashton hadn't wanted me to read it, but feeling the words tempt me. As I run my fingers along the edge of the paper, the door opens. There is darkness behind Tenley and she is quiet, only speaking when she sees movement.

The bed dips slightly as she sits on the edge Her soft hands run themselves up my arm slowly before she speaks. I feel nervous, and guilty as if she is going to get upset but she doesn't.

"I'm going to have a bath okay hun? I'll keep the lights off, just let me know if you need me."

"Alright," she goes to stand but I stop her, setting a hand on her hip carefully. "I love you, you know that right?"

"Mhm, and I love you so very much," a kiss, a very soft one, is placed on my forehead before she disappears off into the ensuite - running water echoing through the house.

I wait patiently until I can hear her getting in the bathtub before I open the letter from my pocket, squirting in the light spilling in from outside. Immediately, I have the same feeling I did when Michael and i found Ashton's suicide note, and the feelings don't stop as I read it.

Her handwriting is identical, lightly messier with the odd tear stain acting as punctuation. Reading the words feels as though she is yelling them at me, and can only imagine.

A young baby faced Tenley with matted hair laying in a hospital bed. The only light coming from the hallway and the machines she's attached to. She's huddled in on herself with tears spilling down her cheeks and she looks more angry than anything. Feeling alone, and weak is a terrine feeling. But to feel broken and alone, with no way out is worse.

As the note comes to an end, I can see the small note at the bottom, with heavy tears in my eyes I try to smile as I read it, but it hurts. Knowing that she isn't the only one to have felt this way, written a note and premeditated why she should stay, it makes it hard to breathe. And with a deep, shaking breath I stood up in bed, walking into the dark bathroom.

Tenley is stretched out in the bathtub, looking more stressed out than relaxed, with her curls pouring over the ledge. When she hears my feet on the tile she turns to look at me, confusion on her face as I wipe tears off my face.

"Hon, what's wrong?"

"I...I read it," she sighs, pulling me down to my knees to wrap her arms tightly around my neck. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-"

"Hold on, hold on. Breathe okay? You're going to work yourself up,''I sat down on the floor, crossing my legs as she moved herself to watch me carefully. "Why are you sorry?"

"I just..That's so much to go through, and it's not fair, you were right, that's so unfair for you to go through by yourself. And we...we were on the list and I know you weren't the only person to write a list like that. And i really wish you hadn't."

"It was just a note, it means nothing and it was...it was seven years ago things have changed a lot."

"But...you're still in pain I know you still feel some of those things, don't you?"

"Well, yes I do but, they're insignificant in a way. I did a lot to get where I am, a lot more than I needed to do. I grew up fast because of it, and now I'm able to tell what feelings are, and differentiate from more than I could before"

"I just-" my tears feel weighted, imagine what she saw that day. How young she was when she was told these life altering things but she's bad at it. She's made it almost ten years from such a dark time and, "I'm just so glad that you're here with me, and that you made it."

"I am too, you don't need to cry about that okay?" I struggle to compose myself, wiping away tears in the back of my hand and sneezing like crazy - her arms still wrapped around me. "I think you've had a long day, and we should go to bed, yeah?"

"Maybe," she nods, motioning for me to step back from the bath so she can get out.

"Go back to bed okay, I'll be there in a few minutes," I followed instructions and law curled up in the dark, listening to the water draining and her small footsteps across the room.

When she steps into the evening sunlight I can see one of my old t-shirts is draped across her shoulders, settled at her thighs. Her sigh is so soft when she climbs into bed, and she tucks in close beside me. Running her fingers through my head softly, humming to herself in the dark. It doesn't take long for me to fall asleep.

TENLEY

Cal had fallen asleep just before his mum and him had their usual nightly call, so this time as her name ran across the screen I answered it, a smile on my face as she spoke first.

"Hello son!"

"Joy, it's me. Cal fell asleep not too long ago," there's a moment of silence.

"Is he alright? He's not sick is he?"

"No he's alright, he just..had a bit of a long day so he was exhausted,'' I glanced down at him, cheeks puffed out as he curled into my chest. "I just didn't want you to miss out on a call."

"That's very sweet of you. I was going to ask...I was going to ask about your mother, how are you doing?'

"I'm alright, my dad and I have been getting used to it - my aunt is visiting him right now to help out a little. He's started to get nervous about the holidays this year."

"Oh yes, you said you were supposed to go thee for Christmas didn't you?"

"I did,my mum loved christmas and it was going to be an ordeal," i chuckle to myself remembering all of the backing we would do - delivering it to friends and family, or volunteering at shelters when we could. We never had big traditions but we...we did what we could.

"Well, why don't you and your father come to our house for Christmas?"

"Oh, oh are you sure," my heart rate picks up as I imagine Calum meeting my father, and bonding for the first time in Australia. Spending the holidays with the Hood family and the boys, celebrating a year together.

"Oh please, we would love to have you, no one deserves to spend the holidays alone," there are tears in my eyes as I nod my head to myself. "I'll make sure we have everything we can to make your dad feel at home."

"That won't be very hard," she laughs and I can only imagine her, settled in her chair with a cup of fresh tea.

"Well dear, i'm glad to know that you and your dad are okay. I'll let you go though, I'm sure you're just as tired as calum is."

"Yeah, i'm getting there," a smile. "I'll talk to you soon Joy, coffee when I get home for sure."

"Of course, good night dear."

As she hangs up I feel like I haven't lost a mother. She's just changed a little bit.