SAUDADE - P. PEVENSIE (3)

L - P

Letter seventeen.

Status: delivered.

Current location: Peter's grave.

My darling Peter,

I miss you, my love. Remember when I said I wouldn't ever let you go, that you were stuck with me? I meant it. How am I supposed to move on? What am I supposed to do without you, Peter? You said you would always be there. Where are you? I can't find you, dearest.

Our son was born a few days ago. Caspian Peter Edmund Pevensie. I'm sure Susan thought my choice of name ridiculous. I do not care. We chose the name Caspian, remember? We decided that Christmas after we finished school. Caspian and Marie Pevensie. Our children. Our babies. Now you'll never see Marie past a toddler, and never see Caspian at all. They will know you as I did, my lovely. I will always tell them our tales of Narnia. I will tell them all about their Magnificent father, their Just uncle and Valiant aunt. They will grow up with you in spirit. I promise you that much.

I find it hard to be anywhere without you. Everything reminds me of you. A laugh. A smile. Snow. Books. Letters. The sun. Anything gold. The word love. I see you in Caspian already. Remember how we used to talk about how much Marie looked like you? Caspian is almost a spitting image. Mum showed me pictures of you as a baby one Christmas. I still remember them. Caspian looks just like you used to as a tot. I hope he grows up to look like you, too. It would be nice to see your face again.

Susan doesn't believe. Every time I mention Aslan, or Narnia in general, she brushes me off. Tells me grief is making me crazy. It is, but not in that way. She will never trust me as much as she used to, will she? She thinks me a crazy old widow with two pushovers for children. I wish she would see sense again. I want to reminisce about our adventures together. I just want my little sister Susan back.

I feel as though I've lost more than just the six of you. I've lost Susan, too. I've become what you'd expect I would be like without you. I hardly drink or eat, except to set a good example for Marie and Caspian. I stay holed up in the flat almost all day. I can't bear to go outside without you there. I cry. Oh god, I cry so much. Everything hurts, Peter. My heart hurts the worst.

I can't wake up some days. I have the nightmares again, except this time I know what kills you. It's the train. Peter, I have to watch you die over and over and over again. If I drink enough before I sleep I don't dream at all, but then I wake up with the worst hangover. I try so hard for our children, Peter. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

Every morning when I wake up I expect you to lean over and kiss me good morning. You aren't there. Your side of the bed is always cold and empty. I sleep in your shirts still. Remember how you said that was a sight you wanted to see again? Please come see it again. I'm begging you.

You are the only one I will ever love. I will never, ever take another lover, Peter. You're mine, and I'm yours. I'm your everything, remember? You can't imagine your life without me! I need you, Peter Pevensie. You took a part of me with you when you died. I hate that word. I swear to never write it again. But honestly. I can't be a good parent without you. I can't be anything without you. Come back.

I love you. I miss you. Please come see me. Please. You're my everything, Peter Pevensie. I can't do this without you.

Yours for all eternity (and more),

Lilith Pevensie

♔

see what i mean?

i hope you have a great day/evening!

- cecily <3