This is home - SungHyuck

- eight

"Taeyong!" I barged into the flower shop without hesitation. As soon as I got there, anger was the only emotion that overtook me. I couldn't control it anymore, because I know he did it.

"What the fuck Sungchan? Now you're looking for me?" He puts down the flower pot and turns around to look at me. I could tell that he was in a bad mood.

"You did it, didn't you," I grabbed him by the collar and pulled him closer. He pushed my hand away, letting out a sigh.

"I need context,"

"The skateboard, you put it back behind the rack didn't you," I gave him a death glare, but it didn't bother him a bit which pisses me off.

"It has been years Sungchan, how are you noticing shit now?" The older crosses his arm and raised his eyebrows. "And why did you throw it away?" He continues.

I started fuming in the inside. I controlled myself, trying to not let my emotions get the best of me. "I don't want to be reminded of him,"

"You're so bold for saying that Sungchan. Didn't you know you were the cause," he comes closer. "Of all this," Taeyong points his index finger at me.

Every single day, I did blame myself for what had happened to Sicheng. There's no denial that everyone that knows him, will like him, perhaps even fall for him. The littlest thing he does will make everyone squeal. He's very sweet, but sadly he doesn't tell us anything.

"You know Sungchan, seeing that little smile of yours pisses me off. Who's that boy you like?" He plays with my earlobe using his thumb and went back to sit behind the counter, probably continuing his work.

"But hyung, why did you put it back there, and how did you get into my house?"

"You threw it away a day after he passed, correct? I visited you that night, but when I arrived at your house, I saw you throwing it away. I hated how you threw it away without hesitation. And your front door wasn't locked so I entered,"

"Sungchan, I don't want us to be like this. Can't we just move on and be friends like we use to? You know Sicheng wouldn't want to see us like this," he looks at me sadly, as if the world is about to end tomorrow. Those words, they are more vicious than they sound.

"I don't think it will work out, how about we move on and not contact each other anymore. I know you want it that way,"

"Sure, thats how I wanted it to be. Don't come crawling back though," he smirks and leaned against his chair. He took off his apron and threw it on the floor. "Delete my contact," I said before leaving the flower shop.

I didn't exactly know how he knew about Donghyuck but it shows that he was watching after me. So much for saying that he'll give me space. I looked down to the road, playing with the rocks using my shoes. It was already late at night, and my thoughts were still flooding in my head.

I broke ties with Taeyong, that is what happened today. So many things happened throughout my years of living, and now the life that I used to obsess over is gone. Everything turned around in the most unexpected way. Those memories will stick with me forever and I will hate myself for being this way. A burden to everyone, that's what I am.

I cried when the image of Donghyuck pops up in my head. Oh how much I want to beg him to not leave me. I couldn't handle anymore abandonment, because right when another person in my life leaves, I will lose myself.

____

The next day I went to school as per usual and I didn't expect it to be this way. I remember telling myself that I'll lose it if another person withdraws from my life. And now a rumor has been spreading around.

Shotaro killed himself.

I dropped my bag to the floor since it felt heavy on my shoulders. Everything was suddenly blurry, and I couldn't see anything. I ran to the closest bathroom, hoping that no one saw me going in. I locked myself in one of the stalls and took my phone out. Calling him was the only thing I could think of, to make sure the rumors weren't true but I don't have his number.

Instead of calling, I've gotten a message, last night, from an unknown id. Now I hated myself even more for not checking my phone last night. I hate seeing someone's last words because it makes me feel like I'm the one to blame. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I did for not seeing their pain. I just had this strong feeling in my guts that this phone number belonged to him.

Unknown
[im sitting at the edge of the roof. i could see the school from up here. the city light illuminating the building and streets, and there are many cars tonight eventhough its 1am. The moon as always, shines beautifully. Sad how this will be my last time seeing it. the cold breeze is touching my skin gently and it's making me shiver. In this weather, my clothes doesnt matter anymore. short sleeve and short pants in a cold weather. nothing will change. even if i die because of the coldness, i would still die once i fall. the height isnt bad, i think its enough to break my bones and make me unconscious forever. Thank you Sungchan, for always being there for me. I might not tell you anything, but your presence right next to me was enough to make me happy. Don't be sad that I'm gone, and don't blame yourself for it. You didn't do anything to make me feel like this, it was all just myself. You know the friends I introduced u too? Yeah, those guys were a pain in the ass. The reason I introduced u to them was purely because I don't want to feel alone. And no, they aren't the reason why I'm doing this. I know how you feel everyday Sungchan, I see those scars on your arm everyday. I'm actually happy to see it fade. how long hs it been? days? weeks? months? that actually doesnt matter, what matter is that you went through it on your own, and youre doing great. im very very proud of you. please sungchan, if i were gone, forget about me. dont make yourself feel even worse because of me. i did this to end the pain ive been getting. till today, i still dont know how to express myself. i loved living, but i realized that it was too much. Sungchan, if you ever go to the apartment building near our school, spare a little bit of your time to go to the rooftop, and find the white roses i left. keep it, or put it on my grave. i tell you this because u were the only one that has been on my mind. i like you as a friend. thats why ive been bothering you. it saddens me to see u in pain, we both are but i want you to hold on a little bit more. not for me, or for anyone around you. do it for yourself, so you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. remember that there is still hope, you will achieve what you want. just remember me, always. may we meet each other again, soon. thank you. from Shotaro]

My phone slipped from my grip, falling to the ground. I couldn't hear it hitting the floor, this feeling I remember feeling years ago. Not once, but twice. I could hear the ringing in my ears, so loud that I feel like it could break my eardrums in a second. Everything started spinning, and the knocking on the bathroom stall felt so far away.

I fell back into a hole I once tried getting out. I was halfway there, but something just pulled me back in. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't open my mouth. Nothing made sense, how can I not see their pain? Why did they have to hold it in to the point where they had to leave me?

My throat felt like it clogged up with dust. I couldn't breath properly and I was hyperventilating. My tears kept rolling down, and it's not stopping. I felt like running so far away to a place where no one knows me, and I don't know anyone. Am I a bad luck to someone's life? Its better if I hide, right?

Or even better, should I just disappear from this world, forever?