This is home - SungHyuck

- thirteen

Donghyuck

The night that he kissed me, he thought I was drunk. We did drink a little, but my alcohol tolerance isn't as low as he thought. He forced me to kiss him, but I took that as a chance because that's not something I could always do.

He shows me affection, but sometimes he acts like nothing was going on between us and its making me stressed out. He tells me all these sweet lies that I fall for, and till this day, I chose to believe his words. The look he gave me, it was intense, but it made me trust him.

He told me that he would die for me, but there he goes, going to clubs every night and fuck with other girls. He apologizes to me and told me he would never do it again, and I would forgive him because I believe that he won't do it again.

It was all that and it felt like I was in a good relationship with him, but when I think about it, none of us had ever confessed to each other. Nor did we make things official.

"Everything stays between us," that is what he told me during the kiss. It was also my first.

His eyes were glittering when it locked with mine. His lips was chapped but the kiss made it soft. My face heats up when he touched me, and I groaned at the littlest thing that he does because of how sensitive I am. He smirks at me, loving how he was affecting me and continued kissing my lips, leaving soft pecks from the corners of my mouth to my jaw. He nibbles on my earlobe with his tounge and whispers, "You're so beautiful,"

Those words made me melt into his hands. He brought me to my room, and that is where all of the things got wild.

That is what I wanted to tell Sungchan yesterday, but I felt like everything wouldn't make sense to him, just as much as it doesn't make sense to me. I don't know if I was trapped or if relationships were suppose to be like this. Whenever his name pops up on my phone, I'll get so happy, he makes me the happiest.

But the moment I meet him, those happiness drains away. I wanted to get out of there, but being with him was addicting. I can't even go a day without seeing him. What's worse is that people see us as best friends, but I'm pretty sure we are more than that.

Mark was like a drug to me. He makes me happy, and I begin to hallucinate every good things in life, but it was ruining me. I told myself that Mark wasn't destroying me. He walked into my life for a reason, which is to help me get out of the hell I'm living in.

I've known Sungchan for a month now, and he was the only person that made me want to talk about my personal life, the side where no one had seen. But I don't want him to hate me after seeing that side of me, and his life is probably just as bad as mine. I don't want to ruin it even more.

When I told him I like Mark, I came back to my senses that no one is suppose to know just like what Mark had told me. I played it off by asking him where the bathroom was.

I turned on the lights but it was still dark. It got me wonder why he didn't fix it. I locked the door, and one thing I can say that it was a mess. His toiletries and other things were all over the counter. There was also a little box laying on the floor.

I got down to my knees to pick it up and that is when I saw a blade next to the toilet. I brought it closer to my face, and I could see a hint of red ink on it. It looks like its already dried up.

This explains why Sungchan had a bandaid on his left arm. I want to help him, but I don't know how to approach him on this kind of topic, because I know he doesn't open up easily.

But all of those thoughts went away when I got a text from Mark. He told me he was outside of my house, and he wants me. It was odd to hear him say that but that text got me excited to the point I ended the tutor just to be with him. It was a bad idea to leave Sungchan hanging, but if I turned him down, Mark would either get mad at me, or ignore me which is my biggest fear.

Mark brought me to a theme park, which was very sweet of him. He got me all the things that I wanted and treated me kindly. After that fun, we went to his house. As soon as we got in, he pushed me into his room, took my clothes off and started kissing me. It would be a lie if I said I didn't enjoy it, because it made my heart flutter.

What he did next was something I didn't enjoy, but I agreed because I thought this was the only way for me to show him that I love him as much as he loves me. He made me sit up and lean against the headboard. I was naked, so I covered my lower half with a blanket. He sits on my lap facing me and took out a blade from his top drawer.

"You would do this for me, right?" He asks me with no emotion. I don't know what he was talking about, but I could feel myself getting scared. "W- what do you mean?"

He pressed our palms together with the long blade between it. I could feel the edges poking through my skin. He holds on to the blade and pulled it as fast as possible, creating a deep cut on both of our palms.

He giggles and intertwined his hands with mine, the blood from the cut flows down to both of our elbow. "You belong to me and only me," he whispers in my ears and kissed me.

That night, I cried to myself because of how painful it was. I treated the wound to avoid it from getting infected. Its sad when you can only cry to yourself and nobody else, because you know others won't understand the relationship.

I looked outside of my window and I could see Sungchan's room. His room was above the kitchen, and so was mine. I could see the people in his kitchen, only if they stand in front of the sink. His room is dark, so I'm guessing that he wasn't home yet.

After staring at his kitchen for a few minutes, I saw a figure moving, it was Sungchan. He drinks a glass of water and left the glass in the sink. He proceeded to go up to his room and switched on the lights.

I could see his silhouette but it wasn't clear, he was changing. Maybe he just got back from work. I remembered the incident that morning I came to his house. This wound made me feel his pain, because it was the same, right? I texted him a few words that could make him feel at ease, at least thats what I thought.

I stare out of the window, in hopes that he will look out as well but he didn't, nor did he reply to my text.

I went to sleep after, thinking that he might've read that text but forgot to reply because he was tired. My mind is messed up, but I feel like I should prioritize Sungchan. His name keeps popping up but I don't know why. I feel safe around him and I want him to feel safe around me as well. But does he see me that way, or is it just me?