This is home - SungHyuck

- nineteen

Donghyuck

I've built a wall within myself since I was a kid. I don't want my friends to see what goes on behind this wall I've been hiding from because I'm afraid I'll be made fun of. It's not fun to show off to your friends that your father is a wanted criminal. He hid in the house for as long as I could remember, and my mother protected him at all cost. As sweet as it sounds, they weren't good people, and living in that house was like living in hell.

Ever since I told Mark about my parents, he protected me from them. He comforted me and told me that he loves me. He found ways to become physically close to me, chipping away at the emotional layers of protection only so that he could do the same to my clothing. I was entertainment to him, someone to take for a 'test drive', or even worse, 'a joy ride', not caring if I was left a burnt out wreck at the end. Only then when I came by to Sungchan's house, I realized that I was never safe at home nor with Mark.

It was hard for me to trust people but when I became friends with Sungchan, I had the urge to spill everything to him. He gained my trust without even trying, and he made me feel safe in his embrace. He thought me what was correct and what wasn't. I finally understood why he hit Mark that night at the party, it was because he tried to protect me.

He thought me that violence was not a form of love just like the way I thought it to be. I got abused by my own parents, emotionally and mentally. That actually explains why I've been doing good in school. I couldn't bear to fail any of my classes and I had thought they did that to teach me to become better than everyone else in school.

If I did the slightest mistake in my schoolwork or test, I would get beaten up. Sometimes, they would hit me whenever they want to let out their anger. If I ever got a black eye, I would use the makeup I got from a drugstore to cover it up. When I'm at school, people would always wonder how I'm so happy. Honestly speaking, I was not even trying to hide my pain, I was genuinely happy, because that was the only place where I could actually express myself without feeling anxious.

I avoided letting people come to my house because things will not go good if they go there. Dad had been hiding for 2 years and the police are still looking for him. He stopped committing crimes but it didn't stop him from being the bad person he is. He does not even feel guilty for what he had done. I tried running away a few times, but none of them were a success. They would end up finding me and they will get me back home.

I do have a comfort place for whenever I feel alone. But the last time I went there was last year. My mind told me that going there won't do anything, it won't heal me or make me escape from the reality. I promised myself that even if I stopped going there, I would still have to come back with someone, holding my hands, sit down, and tell them everything. The life I've been suffering, how I cope with everything and how I got through it.

I know that the person I'll bring would be someone who played a big part in my hellish journey, so I wouldn't regret my choices. 

That night when I came by to Sungchan's house, I felt the guilt building up inside of me. I woke him up in the middle of the night just to yell at him about my break up. He wanted to help but I pushed him away. When I laid down next to him and rested my head on his chest, I could hear his heart beating. It got to the point where our heartbeat was synchronized.

I placed his hand on my head to feel the comfort he was providing. He ran his hand through my hair and it took my thoughts away with it. I've forgotten the reason why I came by, I feel myself feeling light, almost not touching the ground. I was lifting with no weight on myself, I felt free in his arms. Warmth, safety, and acceptance.

I argued with him after, asking him why he wasn't getting mad because I thought that he didn't care. When I got lost in his embrace, I told him that I hated him for not caring. His silence made me wake up from the trap I was in. The words he said to me suddenly made sense and I can finally see the life I've been living, trying to make everyone around me satisfied but myself. Sungchan actually cared for me, and the way he showed his affection was different compared to the treatment I've always gotten.

He handled me with care, like I'm a ceramic about to get shipped out to another country. To him, I was fragile but beautiful. He made me realize that I deserve more than I think and he was just trying to help me by telling me the truth.

I asked myself why I haven't met him earlier and why I had only known about his existence a few months ago. We spent most of our days together, and he made me fall for him. I won't say I like him just yet, but he made me feel safe, he made me feel like I belong here, and that I found my home, apart from the stars. He accepted me for who I am, even when he saw the side of me I was trying to hide, he didn't leave me like how the others did.

Sungchan was mature because I know he went through a lot as well. Everyone has their own story that teaches them and his story made him see the world in a bigger picture. He views every thing from many aspects, and even go through the smallest parts to see things even better.

As he was working on the exercise I gave him, he would've thought that I might be on my phone but I wasn't. I stared at his hair, how it waves to the direction of the air inside of the library. The warmth of his brown hair brought features to his face, a simple frame to his lips and almond eyes. It was softly reflecting the light of the bright sun, each strand moving freely to compliment his stillness.

I hummed to a song which caught his attention. "What song are you humming to?" He ask, looking at me in the eyes for a second and went back to his work. "This is home," I replied. I rested my cheeks on my hand and closed my eyes.

"Cavetown?" I nodded to his question.

"It reminds me of you," I mumbled underneath my breath. "Really? Isn't it a song about the struggle the singer was facing?" He puts the pen down and rested his chin on his palm, looking down at me.

"It is but my interpretation to this song is different. People sometimes see the song far from what the singer intended to tell. I see it as a person trying to help another person," I said. I didn't want to continue further just in case he might get tired of my interest.

"Tell me more, I haven't listened to this song"

I snap my eyes open at his sentence. I shoot my head up to confirm that he really wanted to listen to my story, he nodded his head and smiled. "I can't really relate with the first verse, but the second verse made me think of you. The first few lines made me think that maybe the both of us are going through the same thing, feeling anxious for no reason at all. When they said 'I'll figure out a way to get us out of here', I want us to get through things together," I begin. I wanted to hold his hand, but I restrained myself from doing so.

"When the singer got to the part where he said 'he doesn't know how to communicate,' and so on, it reminded me of that day when Shotaro died. I saw you running into the bathroom and I followed you in as well. You locked yourself in the stall and we we're knocking on the door to help you, I told them to stop but I think you got overwhelmed by the noises so you ran out of school so fast I couldn't keep up," his eyes widen.

"I don't remember any of that," he mutters.

"And when I told you about how the stars welcome you with open arms, it was more of a line that inspired me. I wanted you to feel like you belong here and you're no different then us and the last line is how I feel when I'm with you,"

"What's the last line?"

"But strangely he feels at home in this place,"