This is home - SungHyuck

- seventeen

I just wanted to tell you to always be proud of yourself for what you've gone through. It was hard for you, wasn't it? I know you're scared of growing up, I do too, but see the good side of it. You'll move out of your moms house, and be free! Remember when you first moved into our neighbourhood? i remembered you being small, you still are now, but smaller, like a munchkin. you run exactly like those astronauts when they're on the moon, wobbling. when you were 8, i made a promise to myself to always keep you safe, protect you from those bad people, and to always give you candy if i have extra money. i spent them all on you, because i see you as the little brother who makes me happy and i've always wanted.

dont be like me sungchan, I see things differently in a bad way, make bad decisions, and blaming myself for my existence. you might not understand this situation now but you will once you grow old. I'm sorry i couldn't be there to watch you grow up, or even be there next to you when you have your first shot of vodka. I'm sorry in advance that I can't sneak you into the club and find you a good guy. and i'm sorry that i cant be there to see you getting heartbroken by your crush, donghyuck.

you see, when i first got into highschool, i was enlightened. i get to make new friends and forget about the past. but little do i know that things wont always go the way i want it to. I got bullied. You dont see it through me, because i dont want you to see my pain. I dont want you to be afraid of going there, because trust me, its actually fun. i stopped buying candies for you because i had to use the money i had left on them. they threatened to make me kill myself if i dont give them money.

My life has been on edge a few times now, my black high top was getting dirtier as day psses by. More cuts and bruises would be added to my body as if I asked for them. I couldn't stand it anymore. when i had to stand on top of a table right at the corner of the rooftop of my high school. I wanted to die right there, but i dont want to see those bullies as i fall. i dont want them to be the ones screaming for my name and run to me to tell me that they are sorry. If i didn't see your house from where I was standing, I dont think i would've handled the pain.

I held on to life just a little bit more, to hear your stories one last time and make the best memories with you and taeyong. I'm sorry i made you mad, and if you wanted to say sorry, i forgive you as well. live happily sungchan. its not easy to find happiness, but they are always at the crack of something. you just have to look at them in detail, dont just look at it based on what you see. you get what i'm trying to say, right?

one last thing, you are loved and accepted. get that in ur mind. when im gone, i'll be your guardian angel to protect you, but if im not, then i'll wait for you here in the clouds somewhere. I'll look at you from up here, and whichever star that caught your eye when you look up, that would be me. again, im sorry i couldn't keep my promise. may we cross paths soon. so long, captain hook!

ur one and only peter pan, sicheng

____

I read the letter over and over again. I held the white paper in my hand, crumpling the edges because of how mad I was at myself. He had clearly written everything on the piece of paper, yet I failed to see that he's hurting.

My eyes were starting to tear up, but there wasn't a single tear that escaped from my eyes. They were building up in my eyes, making my sight blurry. The small amount of light seeps into my room, indicating that the sun has made its arrival.

I slammed my arm down and stare and the ceiling above me, watching the shadows from the curtains dancing on it. The birds chirped, singing elegantly to wake the people up, or maybe just to make the morning seem happier. I folded the paper and slipped it underneath my pillow.