This is home - SungHyuck

- sixteen

I woke up to the loud ringing on my phone. My neck hurts so bad when I woke up . I had realized that I slept on the couch while I was watching the TV last night with a bag of chips on the coffee table as well as bottle of coke.

Its 6 a.m and I had to get ready for school.

I cleaned up the mess I made yesterday and went to the kitchen to throw away the trash. I walked to the dining table and saw a sticky note mom had left along with two bowls of fried rice.

I made breakfast for you and Donghyuck. By the way, you can always sleep in my room if you dont want to disturb Donghyuck. I'll be back at 11 as usual. Have a great day sweetie. 

Just as I finished reading the note, the door from my room swung open. I called out for Donghyuck's name and the male ran down the stairs and into the kitchen.

He was still in the black shorts he wore last night when he came to my house along with a red hoodie. He had the hood over his head, covering his eyes. His lips were still chapped and he doesn't look as energetic as he used to. "Where am I?" He halts to a stop, making him stumble.

"Donghyuck you're at my house," I caught him on time and pulled his hood down, meeting his eyes. His bangs drops down to cover his eyebrows, gently brushing his eyelash. He pulls me into a hug and squished his lips on the crook of my neck.

I wanted to hug him back but the stiffness of my body was hard to get rid of. He pulls away slightly and looks at me back, making me overwhelmed with his brown eyes. "You're so warm," he giggles at his joke.

"Sorry for sleeping on your bed, why didn't you wake me up?" He questions, slipping both of his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. "I slept on the couch after watching a bunch of movies," I rub my neck.

"I should go now," he turns around but I held his hand even before he started walking away. "My mom made breakfast for us, you should eat first," I flashed a crooked smile which probably looked weird and awkward. "Sure," He skips into the kitchen and sat down on one of the chairs. I gave him a glass of water and sat in front of him.

"Did you sleep well?" He asked, eating a spoonful of fried rice. Apart from the pain I've gotten from my neck because of my sleeping position, everything was fine. "Yeah,"

_____

I stare outside of the window, getting bored of the on going class. The field next to the school was filled with students preparing for their upcoming tournaments and race. Though it is currently spring time and the weather is extremely cold today, they practiced nevertheless. I could feel the cold heat radiating from the glass windows and the heater itself was not helping.

The bell rings, indicating the end of class for today. My classmates started packing up their stuff, some had even got out of class even before the teacher ended her speech. If I still work at the cafe, I would be on my way there now. I decided to quit after two months of working. I realized that I couldn't keep up with all the works I was getting.

I tried to distract myself by getting the job but it didn't work. My mind was preoccupied by the thoughts of someone's death and Taeyong. I haven't seen him in a while and it was a good decision to end things with him but I wanted to end it with peace and not hatred.

After what happened last night, Mark and Donghyuck seemed to avoid each other. Donghyuck was still talking to Jaemin, Chenle, and his other friends. Mark on the other hand was with a group of guys that I hardly recognize.

Donghyuck told me he wanted to walk back home with me, but I refused his offer because I wanted to go somewhere. I haven't gotten the chance to visit him lately, and I thought today would be the best day since I have nothing to do.

I glanced up at the entrance. The last time I went here was three years ago during his birthday. If he was still here today, he would be 21. The age gap between us is quite drastic, I won't deny that, but he was like a big brother to me. The type of sibling anyone could wish for.

I stood in front his grave, threatening myself to not cry. The flowers I remembered planting around his grave was already gone by now. His picture was still perfectly in place with no scratches on the glass. I hold on to the frame and traced his face slowly.

My eyes immediately find his brown orbs. He made the picture look better with his boxy smile that makes everyone know that he is a good kid, someone you can truly trust. His hair was curly, and the background was plain white. It was that day where he had to take a picture for his id after turning 18. Both me and Taeyong came to his house to make sure he looks nice so he wouldn't be ashamed of showing other people his identity card.

I curled his hair slowly because it was my first time using the curler on someone. Though I did accidentally burnt the skin around his neck, which ended up looking like a hickey. His mom got mad at him after seeing purple spots all over his neck but gladly Taeyong was there to explain things. I wasn't good with words and it was a relieve that he was there with us.

Teayong sent him to the office after he was ready, and that is where Sicheng found a girl that really caught his eye. I remember her vividly, she had an oval-shaped face with green eyes. From afar, I could tell that she was mix. She had a korean face but her eyes and hair color showed that either of her parents weren't korean. She had a white shirt underneath a light green summer plaid dress.

Sadly she had a boyfriend, which made Sicheng blue throughout the day, but when the night finally made its arrival, I told him about how I was gay. I trusted him the most, and he was the first person to know about my sexuality. He accepted me like how Donghyuck described the stars, with open arms. He didn't even hesitate to take me out to celebrate my coming out, just the two of us. He got me a skateboard and thought me how to use it. He shared the tricks he knew and ways to improve the way of using it. That whole two weeks after I came out was the memory I will never forget.

A month after that, I got into a fight with him. I don't remember what we exactly fought about, but I do remember sending him a sorry text but I was too late. Right after I hit the send button, I got a call from Taeyong. The moment I picked up the call, I could hear shoutings and screaming on the other line. My heart felt heavy, and I could feel it sinking in.

Taeyong told me, with stutters, that Sicheng took his own life that morning, somewhere. He wouldn't tell me where exactly, but upon hearing that news, I ended the call and sat in my room the whole day. It went on from days, to weeks. I starved myself and only got out of my room to find food in the middle of the night only to get rid of the hunger.

I played games all day to distract myself, skipped school and didn't take care of myself. I didn't scream, nor did I go to his funeral because I know I won't be able to handle it. Just like that day when Shotaro died. I couldn't even walk properly.

I blamed myself for years, and I didn't look at the world the same ever since. I felt pain from their absence, Sicheng and dad. The people I've always loved. I can't pretend like it doesn't exist, because it would always come back up to the surface when I push it deep down into my ocean of thoughts and feelings.

I put the picture back down and took a piece of paper from my pocket. I unfolded the picture, and my eyes met the young boy in the middle of the photo. I was standing in between two tall male, Taeyong and Sicheng. I glanced at the photo once more and slipped it into the frame, making sure that it doesn't cover Sicheng's face.