This is home - SungHyuck

- ten

Remember when I said that it would be a bummer if I broke my sobriety streak? Yup, I broke it, sadly. Today marks the fourteenth day of me being free from self harm and also two weeks after Shotaro's death.

I won't say I've fully recovered, but I'm still trying to forget about it. Everyday at school, if I ever had Chemistry class, I would stare at his desk. The students here decorated his table and locker nicely. There were flowers, notes, and even pictures. I knew that a lot of people cared for him, in fact, he's quite friendly and lovable.

I'm also back to being the person I am before. I kept dissociating and its hard for me to focus in class. Not that I've changed drastically or whatever but I did see myself getting out of that so-called phase but it came back.

School passed by slowly, but after that, Donghyuck came to me and suggested that we should continue studying. "How about we go to your house this time? You always come to my house," I said as we walk back home together.

"Ah, you see, my house is a mess," he scratches his head. "So what?"

"My mom doesn't like anyone coming by," he continues and played with the hem of his shirt.

I didn't think much about what he said. We went to my house, and we decided to study in the kitchen. Its not noisy and there won't be anyone to disturb us. I sat in front of him and put my bag to the side, taking out my stationary and english textbook. We've been studying Chemistry for quite a while now and Donghyuck said I've gotten better. He told the teacher about me being hardworking. As a result, she also said that I've been improving despite going through a rough time.

"I believe english is a little bit easier since we started learning this language since we were in kindergarten," he sits down and took out his stuff.

My fondness towards Donghyuck has been dropping lately. I like him, I really do, but I'm tired of acting like he means nothing to me. He helped me without even trying, but what I saw with my own two eyes disgusted me.

He looks at the book below him, trying to find an exercise for me to do. I stared at him in the eyes, and that scene from a few nights ago flashed through my mind. His figure being squeezed between Mark and the front door, eating each other's faces as if it was their last. I know that its his life, but I never thought that he would be that type of person.

Sometimes I hate how I think that way about others. I had always wanted to stick to their positive side but once I've seen that side of them they like to hide, it makes me mad. I don't hate that side of them, its human nature, I just dislike it. I have that side of me too, and it scares me because I know that one day, I'll have to show that side of me to someone I love, and I'm scared they'll hate it just like the way I hate other's people hidden persona.

I want to be accepted by everyone, I need their validation and compliments to reassure me. I just want them to see the good side of me and never the one I had avoid from letting it come out.

"Sungchan, your stare is scaring me," he speaks. I looked away from him and muffled a sorry. He pats my head gently and went back to the textbook. He spins the book so that I can read it, and pushed it towards me. "This one. Try doing that,"

I picked up a pen lazily and answered the questions. I felt so hopeless on the inside, even if Donghyuck is in front of me. I just hoped that Donghyuck won't notice my weird behaviour because I don't want to explain everything and get to attached nor do I want him to leave. I like his presence, it calms me, but I just don't want to say anything because I'm scared my words might come out wrongly and that he'll see me the way I see myself.

"I wonder how long we've been doing this," he suddenly ask. My mind was telling me not to answer because I was tired but my lips said otherwise. "One month and a half," I replied nonchalantly. I kept my head down, trying to not think about anything that could distract me from doing my work.