This is home - SungHyuck

- nine

Right after Shotaro took the fall, they sent him to the hospital immediately. Residents from Shotaro's apartment said that they heard a loud sound, as if something heavy fell from the sky. They heard it not once but twice, which made them curious. Turns out that there were two suicide attempts reported, just minutes away from each other. They said that it was not a coincidence, since both of them texted each other about attempting before apart from the last messages. They were related to each other, brothers to be exact. His family can be considered as a broken family, he grew up in a toxic environment. That was probably the reason they did it.

I feel like they knew that asking help from someone won't make a difference. Its not like they would find a place to stay forever. They don't even have enough money to runaway. Getting a part time job is not as easy as it seems. As a cashier at a local cafe, I would say it took me a few months to find that job. Most jobs I found did accept a 17-year-old like me, but the requirements sometime pisses me off. One of them being an experienced worker somewhere.

After Shotaro sent me that text, I ran to the apartment building. He didn't specifically told me which building the roses were, so I ran from one building to another. I wasn't tired, because this is something the least I could do for him. I won't keep the roses but I want to be the one to place those roses on his grave. I found the roses at the last building I ran to. Its not dead yet, but it will soon. He hid it somewhere where no one can find if they were ever to go up to the rooftop. It took me time to find it, a bouquet of white roses. The stems were tied up with a pearly white ribbon, and there is a note attached to it.

It was a photo of us together on the first day of high school. He printed it on a glossy photo paper. I looked down at the paper, and I felt my knees being so weak. I dropped to the floor, with the photos in my hand. His smile was so sweet and sincere, you couldn't even tell that he was hiding something. Everything felt surreal but I know this is the reality I need to face. There's no getting out of it, and I have to move on. Just like what he told me too. There's no use for me to feel the regret, because it wasn't my fault, and it never was. But I can't help but to think that. Why does it have to be someone I least expected, and someone I really cared for.

It was confirmed that Shotaro had died, and the funeral was held that night. I wasn't strong enough to go there, but I really wanted to see him for the last time. I ended up not going there, I know its a stupid decision and selfish but the thought of seeing people cry hysterically beside his coffin will be the death of me.

The next morning, I visited the cemetry and after I succeeded with putting the flowers on his grave, I still felt empty, like that little thing wasn't enough. When I got back home, my mom wasn't there. She had left a note, reminding me that she's out for a few days for business purposes. I threw the note in a trash can and went into my room. I locked myself in the bathroom and stared at the black box with no emotion. I don't understand the feeling I was feeling, but I wanted the pain, I was craving for it.

I took the blade out and placed them on my wrist. I know Shotaro is proud of me for being clean, but I wasn't. I pressed it deep in my hands, as the sharp blade pierces through my skin. I pushed it deeper, because I wasn't satisfied with the pain, slicing my skin open. Blood started to trickle out and dripped on my black shirt. I wanted to cry, but tears weren't coming out. I counted the times I did it, cutting my skin, leaving a straight line on my wrist. Ten. That was how much I did it. My hand started shaking once again, making me let go of the blade. I sat on the floor in silence with an empty mind. I could only see the faces of someone I cared for. It started from my dad, then my best friend Sicheng, and now Shotaro.

But now weeks have passed, and I did put the flower on his grave. The photos he printed out, I left one next to the roses, and the others I kept them for myself. Each photo had a little note behind them, just a short explanation of what was happening behind the photo he took. I stuck them to my wall, so every time I studied, I get to see his face and it will remind me of that time he got mad at me for questioning too much. The message he sent me made me feel better. He told me not to think much about his passing, and I'll do that since that is what he wants. What matters now is that he is in a much better place, where he can find peace in within himself.

Donghyuck had also given me space. He knows how much pain I was in, so he stopped tutoring me for a while. He told to me to take my time to heal from his death. It was shocking, and its better if I push myself from everything. We haven't talked throughout the week, we didn't even visited each other. If I ever go out of my house, I would never see him return from school.

I didn't go to school these past few weeks, and mom understood my problem. I didn't skip my job though, since that was something unprofessional to do. I got out of my house just to see him, because I missed him. but the whole time I spent sitting on the stairs, he never came back. Maybe he went out with his friends, that was the only thing I could think of.

There was once when I saw Mark sending him back and what happened that night saddens me, because I think they are dating. Donghyuck looks drunk, even though he's considered underage. I drink sometimes too, but Donghyuck was mad drunk. Mark wrapped Donghyuck's arms around his neck to stabilize him. As soon as they got to the entrance, Donghyuck leaned against the door,standing in between Mark's arm. They both looked at each other, smiling. And they both went in for a make out.

The moment I saw their lips touch, I stood up and entered my house. There's no use of looking because its basically invading their privacy, and the more I look at them, the more I wanted to hit myself. I just hope that Donghyuck would regret doing that cause honestly, Mark just seems like an asshole. He just wanted to take advantage of Donghyuck, you can clearly see it on his face. His intentions are not as good as people think. But I won't judge him though, if Donghyuck wants him then there's nothing that I could do.

(a/n : well this story went from Shotaro's death to his jealousy real quick 00)