Tonight
you said
"You are beautiful and cool. And I'm fat"
and
I said
"Okay and? I'm flattered but
there's a difference between
fat and unhealthy"
and for whatever reason
it brought up some of the emotional scars
I have imposed
upon myself
I hate to think about.
I usually just press fast forward.
The fat ugly girl still lives in me.
I know that I'm different now
and "prettier"
and "cooler"
and other
hollow words
but more importantly
I'm wiser.
Loving myself
is a war
I win and lose
depending on the hour.
My skin is the battlefield,
my rolls of fat
are ammunition raining
upon my psyche.
My smile still carries
wounds from a time
when I kept my mouth
permanently shut.
And I love myself but
I will still criticize this body
for years to come.
But the mean comments I think
about that fat ugly little girl
have been quieter.
Because she was never ugly,
just not grown up
yet.
But if I want to change things
I must glorify
and revere this body.
Because I will not pass on my issues
to the next generation.
I'm going to be different.
I promise.
