Ace: His Angel (Phoenix Riders MC 1)

56: Self-Control

Ace POV

Watching Kaitlyn grow into someone she is proud of and comfortable with is beautiful. Every day, Angel shows me, in her small way, that she is putting her past behind her and moving forward with me. Slowly. Which meant the world to me.

Killer still struggles and checks in on her multiple times a day, whether it's a phone call or in person. Some days it seems like overkill, but it's his way of moving forward and showing Kaitlyn he will always be there for her. His calls annoyed Kaitlyn at first, but now it's her time to decompress and relax with someone she trusts.

Will she ever feel safe and trust me again? She is still closed off, and I have done everything she has asked of me. Going slow, watching what I do, and not pushing her, but it doesn't feel like enough. Did she still want me?

I love her and hope every time her green eyes meet mine, she understands the silent "I love you," I tell her. Angel has gone through hell and back and is the one person who deserves a life of peace and happiness. I will do whatever it takes to ensure she is happy and has a life of ease from here on out.

However, watching Angel wake up in a cold sweat, hiding in a corner every night, did not make it any easier. She wouldn't remember where she was, or who I was, and pushed me away every time. The nights she locked herself in the bathroom, after breaking in, we sat under an icy stream of water until she fell asleep again. Those moments I held onto because once morning came, Angel would pull away. But when she woke up, she would roll over and smile as if her nightmare had never happened.

Struggling, I asked Doc what might help Kaitlyn heal and return to where we were. He told me any form of stability and routine would help immensely. She would know, despite the surrounding chaos, that I would remain steady and there for her.

So, every morning, the first hour she is awake, we spend time together. On the days I was gone, which were few, another club member, or old lady, would stay with her and spend the first hour with her too, usually in silence.

*****

Angel mentioned grocery shopping for Thanksgiving, and it was the first time I'd seen her happy in a while. Whiskey and Angel made a plan and recruited some of us to help. The guys were excited, but Angel didn't know what she just signed up for.

Thankfully, everyone made it back in one piece, despite the chaos. Tiny and Gears nearly got us kicked out of one store; Shotgun got lost multiple times, and by the end, everyone was ready to kill each other, but Angel was happy.

The rest of the day, Angel disappeared into the kitchen, and it took everything in me not to barge in there. I trust Whiskey, but I see how he looks at Kaitlyn and interacts with her. He knows one misstep, and I will knock his ass out. Kaitlyn doesn't see it, but I do.

Kaitlyn is mine until she doesn't want me, and even then, I will always choose her.

I headed to Killer's office, angry and trying to hold back my Hellhound. Entering the office, Killer instantly saw my struggle. "You look like shit," he commented.

"How does she do it? How does she wake up every day and function with how little sleep she got the night before? I can hardly keep my eyes open, and Angel acts like it's fucking normal!" I yelled, pounding my fist on his desk, my thread snapping.

Killer stared at me, and I knew what he was saying. I'm the one not sleeping, and it's showing. Angel falls back asleep after her nightmare, but I never do. I can run on minimal sleep, but with club runs and additional time in the gym, I reached my breaking point.

"You're not just tired, Ace. You're frustrated sexually, and it's showing," Killer smirked. "I get it. You went from fucking around all the time to nothing, but that doesn't mean you've mastered the art of waiting for sex. Take a few days, go get some sleep, and come back when you can stop staring at my sister like you want to devour her."

It's not just about the sex; it's the inability to show Kaitlyn how much I love her. Unable to touch her, give small kisses, or hold her without worrying that I am fucking everything up.

"No, I'm not leaving her -"

Killer stood up, cutting me off, and I knew I didn't have a choice. Either I go willingly, or he will move Kaitlyn, which is not in her best interest. Rubbing my face, I gave up and headed upstairs to pack a bag.

I made it through the rest of the day without letting my Hellhound loose, and after Kaitlyn fell asleep, I quietly slipped out of the room. Leaving Kaitlyn is harder than I thought it would be. She is my world, and I don't want her to think I am walking away from her. The whole emotions thing is new to me, and I wish I could manage them better. For her.

I found Killer in his office, about to head upstairs to be with Kaitlyn. "I'll talk to Kaitlyn tomorrow. Go to one of the safe houses and don't return until Thanksgiving... at a minimum. Understand?" he growled. He was putting his sister first, and I couldn't argue with that. I nodded and asked Hawk for an address before heading out.

My motorcycle roared to life underneath me, and I took one last look at the house before pulling away. Racing down the street, ignoring the speed limits, I felt my chest tighten. I am doing this for her, for us, but it feels like I'm betraying her.

I'm sorry, Angel.