wait for me [illumi zoldyck]

49. Today of All Days

Mia

Tears immediately swell up in my eyes. I can feel myself shaking.

"Y-You can hear me?" I ask with an unsteady voice, leaning over the water to have a better look at Illumi, who stares at me in a state of bewilderment. A swarm of emotions wash over his face as he stares at me through the water mirror.

He goes silent for a long moment and just stares, blinking slowly. I have no idea what's going through his head right now, but I do register the look of utter surprise on his face. All of a sudden, he holds out his hand in my direction, almost like he trying to reach for me.

"Am I going crazy?" he breathes, furrowing his brows together in confusion. I can tell that he's mostly talking to himself, truly thinking that he's going mad.

"No, Ill, I'm really here," I reassure him, smiling wistfully. I wonder if he really did see me that first time I used the water mirror. I recall the look of confusion and the way he looked around after I called out to him. And then Kyser intercepted.

"This isn't real. I'm seeing things again," he mutters to himself, bringing a hand up to pinch the skin between his brows. I breathe in sharply, scouring through my head for the right thing to say to him, to prove that I'm really here. Talking to him.

"I'm not dead," I burst out, desperately. The truth is, I have no idea what I am. I know I should be in Heaven or Hell right now, but I'm not. I also know that death isn't what I ever imagined it to be, since I'm definitely not gone. That must mean something.

He raises his head, cold, black eyes meeting mine. Suddenly, all in one movement he sinks to his knees, shoulders slouching. I observe him sadly, tears streaming down my cheeks perpetually at the sight of his despair. So many emotions run through me all at once, relief and grief being the most prominent of them all. They're too much to handle, and I can tell Illumi's feeling just as overwhelmed as I am.

"I'm sorry."

My attention snaps back to Illumi in the water. He does nothing to conceal the guilt and sadness in his tone. It breaks my heart hearing him like this.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you needed me the most. That I left in the middle of the night. I should have stayed with you, I should have protected you like I promised I would-"

Illumi dips his head, shoulders shaking softly. I can tell that this is something he's wanted to say for a very long time, holding it in.

I can hardly believe that I'm even speaking to him right now. For the longest time, I thought I'd never been able to see him again. The mere idea of being able to return to the mortal realm was shut out when Kyser explained to me that I can never return and must find a way to go to Heaven.

A soft sob escapes my lips, hearing him say these things to me. I never once blamed Illumi for anything that happened to me. He must have carried this guilt with him for so long.

"Stop. I don't wanna hear you apologize to me. It was all my fault, and I don't want to hear you blame yourself for even one second. It was my choice to do what I did. I'm the one that's at fault for that not you."

Illumi nods his head slowly as I speak, tears falling onto his cheeks.

We both go silent for a moment, basking in each other's presence. Something we haven't had the luxury of doing for an extremely long time. It takes a while before Illumi is able to compose himself and speak again.

"How is this possible? How am I seeing you right now?"

Illumi seems completely torn in half, eyes burning red with building tears, sharp cheekbones taut. There are dark circles underneath his eyes, and he looks absolutely wrecked. It shakes me to the core, having never witnessed him cry before now.