wait for me [illumi zoldyck]

36. Denial

Mia

Returning to my room, that night, I noticed that the free-standing porcelain bathtub in the lavatory was filled with pink cloudy water. Steam grazed the surface of the liquid in the tub momentarily before whirling upwards and fading away. Rosy petals lazed on top of the water, floating around.

"Someone's in love with me," I mumbled to myself, trying to lighten the uneasy feeling that was creeping in my gut.

I rolled my eyes at the scene, wondering if it was Kyser who assembled this, while I was busy exploring the cove during the day. My worried thoughts quickly leave my mind when I remember what Kyser mentioned about magic and decide not to investigate it any further. The entire concept still confusing me.

I quickly shed my clothes and find myself gliding into the soothing water until only my neck and head are above the waterline. My muscles relax and I find myself dipping my head back against the edge of the bathtub, savouring these moments of relaxation, for the first time in a long time. Minutes fly by quickly and, without noticing, I lose track of time. I'm not sure if I dozed off but when I awoke the water was still warm and my vision was clouded by a haze of steam in the room, much more than it was before.

"Why did I have to be so foolish?" I ask aloud, tracing the surface of the water, feeling the ripples around me. I close my eyes, imagining what my life would be like with Illumi. We'd be married by now, if what Kyser said about five years was true. We'd probably have had a child, though I'm not sure if Illumi would have wanted to start a family so young.

"Isn't it just a shame that things had to end up this way?" I hear suddenly, filling the quiet space.

The sound jolts me and I instantly sit up in the tub looking towards the door of the bathroom in alarm. My hands grip the sides of the tub tightly. My heart gets caught in my throat, at the sight in front of me. Illumi leans against the doorframe with a small smile playing on his lips. I cover my mouth with my hands, as a small yelp escapes from my lips. "Been a while," he chuckles, sarcastically.

He stares at me, those dark eyes glinting through the veil of steam in front of me. They aren't the soft black eyes I remember from my past, instead they are hard and angry. His inky black hair slightly longer than I remember it being before.

Remaining in the tub, I stare in shock at the man in front of me. My overwhelming emotions deviate any rational thoughts from my head. I take in a sharp breath, all the emotions that had been suppressed for so long now beginning to surface.

Tears begin building up in the corner of my eyes, blurring my vision. All I want to do is reach out and embrace him but I remain frozen in the tub, unable to move, at a complete loss of words. I am shaken by the anger I see in him. It is a foreign feature on him which completely contradicts his usual stoic demeanor.

"You're not real," I breathe, still holding the edges of the tub tightly.

He doesn't say anything, just keeps staring at me. Instead, he approaches the tub and seats himselves on the edge of the porcelain bath just across from me. I sit back in the tub slowly, not removing my eyes from him. I know this isn't real, it can't be.

"Things weren't perfect," his voice is different, emotional almost. "You were engaged to Takeo, he was trying to kill you and I was trying to save you. Things weren't perfect but they were working themslves out."

I suck in a breath, not wanting to hear any of this. An agonizing emotional pain blooms within my chest, tearing through any sort of walls I've built up trying to forget about everything.

"You left us all. You're selfish," his words stab at my heart, the pain seering through my entire body. I want to tell him to stop but I just can't. I can't bring myself to say anything, and instead sit there and listen to him torment me.

"You left them just like your mother did. You abandonned Matsu. Who did you expect to care for her when you left? Your father?" His anger is evident now, rising with his tone.

I shake my head, "Stop please, stop," I begin to mumble, wrapping my arms around myself.

"Admit it, you're selfish. You only care for yourself."

No. No. No.

I cover my ears.

"ADMIT IT," he almost shouts, his voice cracking at the end. It breaks my heart.

"No!"

My eyes open, as I jolt awake.

Laying my hand over my chest, I take shuddering breathes, attempting to calm my heart which beats hysterically in my chest. I remind myself that none of it was real but I can't help the overwhelming emotions that arise.

I dropped my head into my hands, sobbing hysterically. This was all a mistake. My actions were unforgivable.

The water in the bath is cold and my back and neck are sore. My head is still laying on the side of the tub and my short damp curls are plastered against the side of my face and neck. Once I've completely removed myself from the tub, I stand up. Staring downward at my hands, I find them pruned and pink from being underwater for a long time. How long had I been asleep for?

I clamber into the bed, resting my head onto the pillow. I feel uneasy about the events in the bathroom, no longer feeling safe in my own head. It truly felt like I was awake, yet everything around me was hazy, unreal.

I contemplate whether or not I should mention the hallucinations to Kyser but decide against it seeing as I'm not sure if I trust him in the first place. Despite his unproven claims at being my guardian angel, he has not given me any reason to put my trust in his hands.

My memory of my death was once foggy and unclear, yet suddenly they were crystal clear. Almost like aveil had been lifted. Yet, I refuse to accept that this is my fate. Despite what Kyser has been telling me, I will find a way back to Illumi. I will get out of this mess, no matter what it takes.

~~

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