RWBY Watches Grimm May Cry (Old)

A New Story Begins

General James Ironwood stood on the front porch of Ozpin's house, cradling a bottle of fine wine in his left arm. With his right, he stretched out a finger and rang the doorbell, waiting patiently for his host to answer. Soon enough, the front door was pulled open to reveal the silver-haired Headmaster of Beacon Academy, wearing a cooking apron over his button-up green vest.

"Well, Ozpin, I made it, despite your directions," the General announced.

"Ah! General Ironwood. Welcome," Ozpin nodded, moving aside to allow his friend entry. "I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!"

"Yeah..." Ironwood murmured. Still, he entered the house. Ozpin led him to his dining room where a table, which was adorned with a beautiful white silk cloth, awaited them. Ironwood took his seat, placing the wine bottle in a small bucket full of ice resting in the center of the table. Ozpin, meanwhile, slipped back into the kitchen to make a few last minute adjustments to the lunch he had prepared for him and his guest. However, as he pushed open the door to his kitchen, he was greeted with the sight of thick smoke billowing out of his oven. Gasping in horror, Ozpin rushed over to the stove and threw it open, only to find the beef he was cooking shrouded in flames.

"Oh, egads! My roast is ruined!" the Headmaster wailed, slamming his oven shut again. Dejected, he turned away from his failure, but before he could go back and tell his guest the bad news, something outside his window caught his attention. Ozpin approached the window find Dusty Burger, a popular fast food chain throughout the Kingdoms in Remnant, had built an establishment almost right next to his house. "But... What if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?" the Headmaster mused, before chuckling to himself. "Heh, heh, heh. Delightfully devilish, Ozpin~" Ozpin tossed off his apron, and slid his window open, then prepared to vault out of his house. Just as he put one of his legs up on the window sill, though, Ironwood, having grown concerned as to what was taking the Headmaster so long, pushed open the kitchen door. Surprised, Ozpin turned his head to look behind him, his eyes meeting James's, which were narrowed in suspicion.

(upbeat music)

Ozpin with his crazy explanations,

General Ironwood's gonna need his medication,

When he hears Ozpin's lame exaggerations,

There'll be trouble in town tonight!

"OZ-PIIIIIN!" Ironwood shouted, his tone inferring it was time for Ozpin to explain himself.

"General Ironwood!" the Headmaster greeted him. "I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill," Ozpin hurriedly explained, starting to legitimately stretch his calves. "Isometric exercise. Care to join me?" Ironwood wasn't paying attention to him anymore, though. The General was now fixated on the oven, which continued to release thick black smoke.

"Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Ozpin?" Ironwood questioned him, pointing at the device.

"Uh- Oh! That isn't smoke. It's steam," Ozpin waved a hand. "Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm. Steamed clams." The Headmaster rubbed his belly. Ironwood didn't look convinced, but he didn't press Ozpin further either, instead choosing to turn around and exit the kitchen, closing the door behind him. "Whew!" The Headmaster breathed a sigh of relief, then proceeded to leap out the window, and made a mad dash for the Dusty Burger joint.

........................

As Ironwood tucked a napkin into his suit collar, the kitchen door in front of him opened. Out walked Ozpin, carrying a large tray filled with hamburgers and french fries.

"Ironwood, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!" the Headmaster smiled graciously. The General raised an eyebrow.

"I thought we were having steamed clams?"

"Oh, no. I said steamed hams," Ozpin corrected him. "That's what I call hamburgers."

"You call hamburgers steamed hams?"

"Yes," the Headmaster nodded. "It's a regional dialect."

"Uh-huh," Ironwood hummed, unconvinced. "What region?"

"Uh, the Kingdom of Atlas," Ozpin shrugged carelessly.

"Really? Well, I'm from Atlas, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams,'" the General informed him, his eyes beginning to narrow in suspicion again. Ozpin held up a hand.

"Oh, not in Atlas ITSELF, no. It's a Mantle expression."

"I see." Ironwood let the topic drop, and helped himself to a hamburger, as Ozpin poured the wine for him and his friend. After a few bites, the General looked up. "You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Dusty Burger..." he told the Headmaster. Ozpin finished his sip of wine, then laughed heartily.

"Oh, ho, ho! Oh, no. Patented Ozma burgers," he assured his friend. "Old family recipe."

"For steamed hams," Ironwood deduced.

"Yes."

"Yes. And you call them 'steamed hams' despite the fact that they are obviously grilled," the General commented, prying the top bun off of his hamburger to show him the burger itself, which had visible grill marks on the well done meat. The Headmaster shifted in his seat.

"Ye- You know, the- One thing I should..." Ozpin trailed off, then quickly stood. "Excuse me for one second," he announced, darting back into his kitchen, the entire room now on fire.

"Of course," Ironwood nodded absently, returning to his meal. Just as he finished eating, Ozpin walked back out of his kitchen stretching his arms above his head.

"Oh well, that was wonderful," the Headmaster yawned. "A good time was had by all. I'm pooped." Ironwood stood.

"Yes, I should be- Good Lord! What is happening in there?!" the General cried, pointing at the raging inferno that was now Ozpin's kitchen. The Headmaster quickly slammed the door shut.

"Aurora Solitas," he stated immediately.

"Wha- Aurora Solitas?" Ironwood demanded. "At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of Remnant, localized entirely within your KITCHEN?!"

"Yes," Ozpin smiled. There was a moment's pause.

"M-May I see it?" the General asked, somewhat hopefully. Ozpin considered this for a couple seconds.

"...No."

........................

As Ozpin saw Ironwood out the door, a voice suddenly called out from the Headmaster's house.

"Ozpin! The house is on fire!" a feminine voice familiar to Ironwood cried out in alarm. Ozpin shook his head.

"No, Glynda! It's just the Northern Lights," he assured the woman. Ironwood blinked, but didn't comment on what had just transpired.

"Well, Ozpin, you are an odd fellow," the General said instead, before he smiled. "But I must say, you steam a good ham." Ozpin nodded, and Ironwood stepped off the front porch, beginning to make his way back to the bus stop.

"Help!" Hearing Ms. Goodwitch scream, the General whirled around, noticing that most of the windows in Ozpin's house were now giving off a bright orange glow. The Headmaster merely gave him a cheesy grin, and a thumbs-up, prompting him to turn around again. "HELP!!!" Convinced his friend wasn't going to look back again, Ozpin dashed back into his house to save his fellow teacher, while Ironwood continued to walk away, having enough of his colleague's antics for one day.

Happy April Fools Day, everybody! I promise I'll actually update Grimm May Cry... eventually.