Shadows (Patrick Kane)

(11) Don't Let Me Go

Sophia

After attending my first hockey game I decide to go to another game with Patrick's family trying to get more into hockey and learn about it. I actually loved all the little details, how to skate on the edges and threading the needle, all that stuff. Football was my first love but hockey might just be my newest.

And as I emerge myself in the hockey culture my dad and brother arrive in the city. Dad got Henry the nicest apartment around and was going to stick around for a while to help with training and all that good stuff. Though Henry has had his attention his whole life so I don't know how much more of it he really needs.

My dad tries his hardest to get me to join them for a meal but I just didn't feel like it. The only reason they're here is for football, not for me. I've been here for months and there wasn't a effort to see me until now. So why should I change my life, again, just for them? I've done that for 25 years. I think that's more than enough.

So I end up at Patrick's place just hanging out. We've seen a lot of each other lately, not that I'm complaining. He was nice to look at. But it is crazy that this dude I met in a bar had become my best friend. I could tell him anything and I don't feel like he is disappointed in me. He accepts my journey to finding who I am even though I can't seem to figure that out quite yet.

"You want a beer" he asks as he looks in the fridge.

"Of course I want a beer" I laugh.

He tosses me one before grabbing himself one too. He jumps onto the couch next to me and throws his feet in my lap. I think he's a little too comfortable with me now.

"Do you know where my sisters are" he randomly asks me.

"They're going to the aquarium with your parents. I can't believe you guys haven't been there yet it's so cool" I shake my head.

"Sea animals give me the creeps and the last thing I want is to be surrounded by them. Never really had the urge to touch a shark...

Wait. Why did they tell you and not me" he pouts.

"Maybe they like me better" I tease.

"Ya know, I wouldn't be surprised" he chuckles.

But I just shake my head because he had it all wrong. "They love you so much. They might give you a hard time and they might not understand you in the way you want, but they would do anything for you. Your dad told me of how he would rather die than get on a plane and he flew out to Sochi to watch you play. You make him so proud and not just because of the player you've become but the man you're becoming. And your sisters would follow you anywhere. Sochi, Canada, Switzerland. There's nowhere in this would you can go where they won't follow. They love you so much and not because you bring them here and give them a shopping spree. They love you because you are their brother and no one else can say that. Don't think they don't love you" I insist.

"You got all of that from hanging out with my family for a few days" he asks.

"Patrick you have the most wonderful family. This day and age we find more reasons to be selfish than to lean on one another but I can see how much your family relies on each other. I know how sports can tear people apart but now I see how it brings people together too. You're lucky" I tell him.

He sets his drink down before sitting up a little. He moves in closer so he was looking in my eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound bitchy about my family. I'm grateful for what they've done for me and I wouldn't be here if I didn't have their support and their love. I know they're a handful but I am thankful for them and for you too" he insists.

"It's okay" I sigh.

"Can you tell me what's wrong then? Because I can tell from your face something is bothering you" he pries.

"I'm just tired. I'm so tired of looking in the mirror every day and feeling nothing. Every time I look at myself I see a confused little girl looking back, I don't know what I'm doing and it's so frustrating. Like I can do anything I ever wanted, I can mold myself into the best person I can be but I don't know what that is. Every time I think I have my thoughts lined up something happens and I look in the mirror and it's all so messed up again.

And I get so pissed off because I'm trying, so hard, to find my place in all of this. I know I belong here in this city, this is where I am meant to be. But I struggle to feel worth in any kind of way and I hate it.

It's like every time something good happens in my life I get a foot to the face. I move here and I meet you and things seem to be looking up. Then my brother and my dad end up here too and all the sudden the shadows are back and everything is dark. I get a job modeling and I end up hating it. And the only ice I have to calm the swelling is beer but that only does so much. It's not enough to fill this void I feel. The eternal darkness that's consuming me inside out. I look at people like you and my dad and my brother and I wonder where I went wrong. I ask myself what do I need to do to be happy? Will I ever truly be happy? Because right now I truly don't feel like I will be. There's nothing in me that leads me to believe that it gets better than this.

People look at me and say "you're a pretty girl, I'm sure you'll figure it out." But I've never gotten answers when I look in the mirror. Just more questions, more feelings of failure and emptiness. I look at myself and I see nothing. I feel, nothing" I pour out.

He quickly pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around me. I don't remember the last time I felt so safe, so comfortable. Being in his arms took those awful feelings away, just for a little while.

"I know you have worth Soph, I see it. And I hate that it's so hard for you to see it. Even my family can see it in the little time they've been with you. And maybe it's not what you want it to be and that's why you can't see it. Maybe your purpose is something you've never done before and you have to find the moment to make it worth it. But know that no matter what it is or where it is I'll be by your side. I want to see this through to the end. Becasue when you finally find your purpose then no one can deny you of your happiness. Not even yourself" he tells me.

"How do you know that" I whisper.

"You just have to believe that this feeling you have, it's a temporary one. Your worth is forever and no one can take it from you if you don't let them" he assures me.

"Don't let me go" I beg.

"I got you" he promises.