Shadows (Patrick Kane)

(20) Life and Death

Sophia

With us being in Buffalo for a while Patrick continues to show me around. And one thing he has been avoiding was anything to do with his grandpa. Even though his grandpas house was right next to his childhood home he didn't talk about it. Didn't even acknowledge it. I know he doesn't open up this part of him and even with us being back home he still avoids it. And I know the only way we can get him to move on is to get that closure he had been denying himself in the hopes that if keeps it open maybe his grandpa will be back.

"Where do you want to go today" Patrick asks as we meet up in the kitchen of his place.

"I would like to see your grandpas house" I start. He freezes as his eyes stay on his orange juice.

"Posey..." he trials off.

"I came here because I wanted to get to know you. And who you are, some of the best parts of you, they're there. And I would really like to see it" I try.

He shakes his head as he laughs a little. And not a funny kind of laugh but the ironic kind. "Alright. I'll take you there" he assures me.

Honestly didn't think it was going to be that easy.

"Really" I ask.

"I trust you. I don't trust a lot of people, especially with this, but I trust you" he claims. Alright, no pressure or anything.

We drive over to the house and Patrick parks in front. He doesn't get out of the car immediately as he just looks it over. He had sad eyes as he skimmed over it. I reach across the consul and grab his hand for a second. His lips pull tighter and I thank god I can give him a little bit of relief in what I'm sure is going to be a long day.

Once the initial shock wears off we head inside. We look around and a real smile comes across his face. He starts to reminisce on the memories and for the first time, probably since his grandpa died, he was opening up.

He shows me some pictures and I take it all in. I can tell they had a good life. Even after Patrick made it big, it wasn't bigger than family.

"Your grandpa is a wonderful man, I can tell. He's made a great place here. I'm happy he was able to share all he did with you" I say.

"My grandpa, he was there for everything. When I got drafted, my first game, my first goal, winning the Stanley cups, the Olympics, every good memory I have he was a part of. So when he died... it was kind of hard to think about having any good memories now that he's gone. I know I still have people in my family who would die for me. There is nothing they wouldn't do for me and vice versa. But my grandpa was my biggest fan. I spent months at his house over the summers as a kid, he helped raise me. He traveled the world to watch me grow up, told me every chance he had how proud he was of me. All he wanted was to see me succeed and he did. And I'm glad he did.

I just wish, more than anything, I could have said goodbye. That I could hold his hand one more time and thank him for all he did for me. Tell him... tell him that he means the world to me and I didn't want to know if a life without him" he says.

"But you never let yourself move on from losing him, did you" I connect.

"I didn't. And I haven't told anyone that. Not my mom or my dad or my sisters. I wanted to be strong for them but the only thing that was strong was the walls I built around me. And in doing so everything inside of them came crumbling down but no one could see past the walls. They just saw bricks and decided that I did whatever I needed to in order to move on. But I guess... I guess I never did" he says softly.

I wrap my arm around him as I pull him in closer. He rests his head on my shoulder as he softly starts to sniffle. Knowing that he hasn't talked to anyone about this is hard. And the fact that he trusted me with this meant a lot. It put pressure on me to say the right things, but I'm not sure there is a right thing to say right now. He just needs to let everything he's kept in these walls out so he can rebuild something worth showing.

"He sounds like a wonderful man. He actually sounds a lot like you. That passion you have for your family, for that game, it sounds like it came form him. And in that way you will never be without him as long as you live. Because the best parts of him lives on in you. Every time you touch the ice and people stop in amazement, they can thank this wonderful man for that. And by you moving on doesn't mean you're leaving him behind. By moving on you're bringing him with you and that's the best way to keep his spirit alive.

Love... it's powerful. And some believe that it even transponders through life and death. But I believe your grandpas love for you, and your love for him, it will never die" I assure him.

He lifts his head before slowly turning to me. I see a tear sitting on his cheek and it broke my heart. My hand slowly raises as I wipe it away. He suddenly grabs my hand and I freeze for a second. Another tear replaced the one I just wiped away and he brings my hand down. He was finally allowing himself to break down so he can finally build himself up.

"Thank you" he whispers.

"For what" I wonder.

"I've kept all of this in all year. And it's been eating me alive. I was drinking, shutting people out, hurting my family, pushing away anything I could remotely think I could love again so I couldn't lose it like I lost him. Even hockey was impossible for me to love without him.

But now I finally have that closure I need. I can finally stop holding up this wall that was crushing me for so long. I still have my issues but this was the biggest one. And like always you're the only person I feel like I can share these things with. But not because I don't trust my family, because I do. But they don't understand my relationship with my grandpa because they know their relationship with him. When I talk to you I can tell you stories and they not be old. You see him through my eyes, not your own, and in a way that helped me see what I needed to also" he says.

"What's your favorite memory of him" I ask as he smiles big.

"There's so many. But one of my favorite is draft night. I was so so nervous, I worked my ass off and with the draft you'll never know what happens. The Chicago Blackhawks had their only first overall pick in franchise history and I know they wanted me. But there was rumors about a trade for the number one pick and me ending up in St. Louis. Could you imagine?

My dad was being no help and my mom was a nervous wreck. But my grandpa took me on a walk. Told me no matter where I ended up he would follow me. And he would always be there" he says softly.

"He will be" I promise. "Know that there is nowhere in this world you can go where he won't find you."

"Will... will you be there" he asks carefully.

"Of course" I say as I softly grab his cheek. He rests his hand on top of mine making my heart race.