Shadows (Patrick Kane)

(64) Never Lose Me

Patrick

I stand outside of Sophias apartment nearly shaking out of my shoes. My shoulder hurt but not nearly as much as my broken heart. She told me to come over in a short text and while all I wanted to do was to talk to her in the week that she has been ignoring me, I didn't know what to say. What I did was wrong, I never denied that. From the second I deleted that number I knew it was wrong. There's no excuse good enough to make up for what I did. I don't want to try and defend myself to her, I want to apologize and try to make it right.

Once I muster up enough courage I take the elevator up to her place. It felt like forever I was stuck in there with only my thoughts. I was scared, terrified that I broke a trust that could not be mended. That because I was so scared to lose her I pushed her away.

I swallow my pride as I let myself in. I find her sitting on the couch watching ESPN. Probably wondering what could have been if I wasn't so stupid. Once the door closes behind me she turns the tv off and pats the spot next to her on the couch. So I take my place by her side as she just looks up to me. I get lost in her brown eyes as every ounce of courage I had ran away from me.

"I don't want to be mad at you" she starts.

"I never should have put you in this position" I insist.

"I know. But you know how important my future is for me. You know how much of my life revolves around me doing everything I possibly can just so I know what could possibly be. Walking that line between good and bad. And I guess what makes me so upset is that you took the line away from me so I can no longer walk it" she claims.

"As soon as the man asked for you I should have told him that I picked up your phone by accident. As soon as you got out the shower I should have let you know what happened. I never should have deleted that number. I regret every single part of it and there's nothing I can say that changes this" I agree.

"I just... I want to trust you. But I don't want this relationship to be toxic. You manipulating me to believe things are one way when they're not. No good relationship, friendship or more, lasts like that. It's scary to think that someone you care about could keep you down just so you stay" she argues.

"I wasn't thinking. If I thought it through I would have never done any of that, but I reacted and it was too late. I couldn't tell you that I deleted the number so instead I said nothing. I hated lying to you and I never meant to manipulate. You're far stronger than me when it comes to head space and I wouldn't consciously take anything like that away from you. I truly do want you to do whatever is best. Whatever you decide is where you belong.

The thing is I lost my grandpa. My most favorite person in the world. I lost in the olympics. Lost in the confrence finals. I lost myself in it all. I lost so much and I couldn't bare to lose you too" I whisper.

She reaches over and holds my hand to make sure I knew she was listening. And I knew she was, always did. But her touch gave me comfort as I tell her things that's are hard for me to say.

"Pat you could never lose me. That's what makes me so upset. That you didn't trust me enough to know that my place is here with you. Not in LA or with anyone else. It wouldn't have taken me a lot of time to figure that out. Do I want to work at ESPN? Of course I do. There's no higher honor in the world of sports television than to be on there. And to be recognized for my passion and my love for these games is the dream. Especially on a stage like that.

But after so many years of looking, searching for a purpose I found one with you. And you're right, I'm not one to stay but I couldn't imagine anywhere out there being better than here here with you" she explains.

I dig in my pocket and pull out a folded piece of paper. Once I figure out how to unfold it I hand it to Sophia.

"Here's Lawrence's work number, email address and where he is stationed. If you want he is still very interested and I think that you would be a great broadcaster. I even put in a good word" I say with a sad smile.

She takes the paper from me before studying it a little. After looking it over she crumpled it up making my eyes nearly pop out of my head.

"But I thought-" I start.

"That was the first problem Pat. You thought. I was only upset because you decided for me. Like some little girl who didn't know what the right thing to do was so you had to decide for me. But my decision was always to stay, once you gave me the opportunity to make it" she explains.

I quickly grab her cheek before pulling her into a kiss. I feel her smile beneath me and I felt such a sigh of relief. This was far from over and I know I had to do some work for that trust to come back. But she's giving me the chance to fix it so I was so thankful for that.

"Don't pull anything like that again or so help me god I'm gonna let my brother beat you" she threatens and I smile.

"I won't. I learned my lesson. I won't do anything like that again" I promise.

"Good. Now we haven't talked for a week and I have a lot of CSN gossip so I'm going to grab some wine glasses and you are going to have to listen" she insists. 

"Yes mam" I smile.

She takes off to the kitchen and I shamelessly watch her walk away. My heart still beating fast from the kiss. One that healed more than words ever could. Because she could lie and say she forgave me, but you can't fake feelings like that. I could feel that she was just as relieved as I was to have this all over with. Now all that's left is for us to know where to go from here.