Shadows (Patrick Kane)

(3) What Are We Doing

Sophia

The Midwest holds many wonders. Many many wonders. People like to go to the coast for fun but you see so many beaches then you kind of get tired of it. Sand is sand no matter where you go, so there's no point in getting caught up in it. In the Midwest you have to find another way to set yourself apart. Chicago has the most opportunities to make something in your life, and so that's what I was trying to do.

But I wasn't quite sure what that is. There's so many possibilities how can I chose just one? I'm not against going back to college or changing my whole life to chase something people will tell me I will never get. A big part of life is failure, and I can't be afraid to fail.

Today I decided to walk around the city and get some fresh air. And trust me, there's nothing more fresh than April air in the Windy City. I've been here for about half a year now and I was loving life. I had a nice job modeling around here but it wasn't really doing it for me anymore. I wanted a challenge.

But it's hard to find what you're looking for when you don't know what it is. So I decide to turn to a new friend for some inspiration.

"What is it like being a hockey prodigy" I ask Patrick as we sit in a different bar than the one we met in. A different place with the same songs and same beer. But we're telling different stories still trying to figure out why we're here on a Tuesday night when most people were asleep.

"To be honest, it kind of sucks" he claims and I raise a eyebrow.

"Really" I ask.

"Yeah. I mean people look at me and say "you get paid millions of dollars to do what you love, you should be the happiest man in the world." But they don't take in consideration how much I had to give up to do this for a living. How much of myself I have to hide in order to be who they say I am. You hide yourself like this long enough and you forget who you are. You push people away and all of the sudden you feel like you're in a world of your own surrounded by fire. No matter where I go I get burned" he rambles as his drunken works start to slur together. They were begging to get out but they were all starting to come out at the same time it was getting hard to understand him.

"Woah woah woah" I say as I rest my hand on his arm. He looks at his arm where my skin met his before letting off a sigh.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go off like that. It's just, not a lot of people listen to me. Not a lot of people ask me questions like that" he explains.

"Don't apologize for being yourself, ever" I insist and he smiles.

"You're just really easy to talk to" he claims.

"Is it that or are you drunk" I accuse.

"Both" he smiles as I just shake my head.

"Well I'm happy you find me easy to talk to. It's nice to talk to a guy and it not be him asking for sex" I admit.

"I mean..." he teases as I roll my eyes. "I'm just messing with you. But I was going to ask you over to my place after this" he admits.

"And I probably would have said yes" I say.

He furrows his eyebrows as he just stares at me. "You're messing with me" he accuses.

"I'm really not" I promise him.

"Well if that's the case" he tries.

"Let's go" I smile.

We take off to his place and I quickly make myself at home high above this wonderful city. He had a really nice apartment in the middle of it all, not too far from the bars we've been to. We jump into his bed and waste no time getting undressed. Not too long after our clothes hit the floor we laid tangled up in his bed and for the first time I wasn't thinking about leaving the bed as soon as I could. I kinda wanted to stay, just for a little while. It was still cool outside and he was nice and warm between these sheets. And he held me closer than most guys did.

"What are we doing" he randomly asks me. "Like what we just did, is this normal?"

"Isn't it" I ask him.

"It doesn't feel like all the other times I've done this" he claims.

"I guess you're right" I agree. "But I don't think this is going to be what you want it to be. And I'm sorry I can't be that for you. I've tried like hell to be everything people say I am and I always end up disappointing them. I like you a lot Patrick, and I think you're one of the few genuine guys in this world. But I don't think I'm capable of whatever you think is going to happen here" I insist.

"I don't know what I have planned in my head for you. I just know you're not like the other girls I mess around with" he claims.

"And how is that" I wonder.

"I'm not quite sure yet. I mean you're drop dead beautiful, but I've seen a lot of beautiful women in this city. I really like the way you look at life, I think part of me wishes I can be more like you. You're always so happy" he claims.

"Happiness is a illusion Patrick. I just understand that better than most people" I say.

"I still admire the way you carry yourself. Your confidence. Your ability to always say yes when everyone else is screaming no" he lists off.

"I'm like this because I've been broken down and built back up so many times before. I don't want to see you broken and I certiantly don't want to be the one who breaks you" I claim.

"I guess we have that much in common" he admits.

I just lay there as I rest my head on his chest. His arm wrapped around me tightly as I close my eyes. I didn't know what I was doing or where to go from here. It's been a week and a half I've known this guy and I'm already in far deeper than I care to be. But I also didn't want to cut him off like I do the other guys. He for some reason thinks he can talk to me and no one else and I want to be at least here for him. But I didn't want to pledge myself to be more than I can be.

Eventually we fall asleep and wake up early the next morning. We lay in bed and just talk as the sun rises, he feels like I'm someone he can trust and I feel like he has some part of this future I'm searching for. We were very different people in the way we think, but the same in the way that we knew our futures were up in the air for us to grab. Only we weren't sure which direction to go.