1:45pm
I came early to class but was really debating if I wanted to go in or not. I was crying on the way to the university but like it was because reality set in and there's nothing I can really do about it. I was sitting in the car for a little while and like my morning was good until those thoughts set in when I was alone driving, and listening to my music.
I'm not good enough, I always end up messing things up, I can't even do my homework. Alex feels like he's being neglected by bunny because we are constantly talking. But when I text him he doesn't answer so I am not sure what to do! I just mess things up! ;-; I am sitting here and I have the urge to cry again but I can't because there are people coming in now...
2:08pm
AHAHAHAHA MY PROFESSOR LOOKED AT ME WHEN SHE SAID THAT WE SHOULD USE THE FREE TIME NEXT CLASS TO CATCH UP ON MISSING WORK!!!! I am 2months behind, I honestly give up, I just want to drop out now. There is no point anymore, I've lost all motivation. My parents don't help either, all they care about is getting more money and are pressuring me to find a better job that earns more money but literally there is none that will accommodate my school schedule. I have 2 exams this week that I didn't realize I had until I looked at my emails this morning✌️like honestly I just don't want to keep doing this, I was thinking of doing my psychology degree next year but I think I'm going to wait a little for that because honestly, I'm starting to burn out right now.
I am actually surprised I haven't been kicked out yet because all my grades are shit, I have a 41 in one class✌️, a non-existent grade in another✌️, a 60 on the third one✌️and I am afraid to look at the last class✌️. I just seriously don't want to do this anymore. There's like a month and 2 weeks left in the semester and most of these professors arent as understanding as others so what's the point of trying to catch up.✌️
2:55pm
I feel so lonely
I am 1mth 1day self-harm free
I am 5mths 3 days cigarettes free
I am 1mth 17 days alcohol-free
I am 1 year 3mths 5 days overdose free
But I suddenly have the urge to do all these things again, I know it's not right and before y'all start freaking out, I'm not gonna do it, my thoughts are just messed up right now and Lance is talking with me so I'm good. It just hits me like this sometimes
I just thought of Nikki and started singing the song she sang to me ;-;
8:14pm
Got some more bad news hahaha cried for a good hour and a half while I was driving again, and I think I kind of freaked bunny out a little because I started coughing and getting kind of sick like last time, but I kept it cool until I got home. I had to put another mask on and pretend I was ok but I'm really not. The news really got to me because it really does seem like I just mess everything up... honestly, I really hate myself, like there is nothing good about me and I don't understand why more than half of these people are still with me. My words can come off strong and jerkish or I would say something and don't realize the other ways it can be taken and suddenly I've dropped the mood down.
11:51pm
I've been on VC for a while now and I've just been singing my heart out, it's just been one of those days I guess, I honestly feel so worthless because I can't help anyone. I'm too fat, I can't do anything right, I might get kicked out of college, my mom is giving me a plot of land to pay off on top of the other things I have to pay. I've been reading but I know I wont sleep tonight, and I have to go to work early in the morning.
Last thought of the night: I'm useless so what's the point of trying?🤷♂️
