8:38pm
I'm at my aunts house, I told her I wanted to give up, I told her about the cuts and burns, I told her about the things my mom and my sister have said to me, I told her I want to die. She told me to be a little stronger, to be here for my little sister, to be here for the day she calls me and asks for my help, but I can't, it's hard, everyday is a battle, I want to die, I smoke my days away, I'm trying hard not to drink because if I do it's over, I miss Aaron so fucking much, all I do is bring pain, all I do is bother everyone, all I am is trouble and a waste of space, I shouldn't be here, I should've died in the womb, everyone would've been better off if they hadn't met me... I'm sorry, I love you bunny, Alex, Luke, Marcus, Nikki, everyone, but I'm losing my battle... it's so fucking hard pretending to be ok, I want to be okay, I want to live, I want to be free, but I can't be that, I can't ever be free, I'm being haunted everyday of my life, I don't want to hurt you guys anymore.
I want to meet Aaron, I want to meet him and bother him, I want to annoy him and him telling me to fuck off, or that I'm naive, I want to see him
Sometimes I wish someone could hold me but I remember I'm alone, all alone with my thoughts, thoughts that are dangerous, thoughts that kill me little by little, my emotions are turned off 24/7 now, and it's pissing me off, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to hurt someone but I can't do any of that and it's so fucking frustrating, i make people worry, I make people mad, I make people sad, I don't deserve to be here, you all would've been better off not knowing me, you all wouldn't be hurting like you are now had you not met me, I'm stuck between wanting to die and not wanting to die, because I love you guys, but I don't want to keep living, does that make sense? I'm sick and tired of being a victim but that's all I'll ever be, all I'm good for is work and pain, that's all I'm good for and that's all I'll ever be good for, I'm ready to give up, I'm ready to just hand control to the prosecutors and let them do as they like, I'm done with trying to be strong, I'm done with trying to stay alive, I want to keep my promise to everyone, I probably won't die physically but emotionally and mentally ill be dead, sorry if that isn't what you guys wanted but at least the body is breathing.... Goodnight
