10:12pm
Idk my head is messed up again, I talked with Alex today and it felt nice because we haven't talked in a while, I've been too messed up to talk and I didn't want to add any of my own problems on to him because I know there's a lot going on on his end. There's so many marks on my body I'm starting to hate myself, I hate myself because I let my condition get this bad, it's hard to smile on my own now and like people have their own lives to think about,
yesterday Jeff and I left the house for a couple hours at night because the girl that's staying with us and has a kid was literally being really toxic with him and he needed an outing. I drove us to a park and we sat in the truck talking, he was saying how she was expecting him to talk to her about his problems and what he deals with but she doesn't know how hard it is to open up when you've had to deal with things on your own since you were little because you didn't have anyone who you could count on, he cried in front of me two times and apologized each time because he has societies standards engraved in him because of his father. Men don't show emotion, men don't cry, men take the pain without complaining, etc etc....
To all the guys out there. It's completely okay to show emotions, to cry when overwhelmed or when you feel the urge to, you will not be seen as weak, you will not be seen as any less of a man, you will be seen as strong because youve held on to the point you finally couldn't take it anymore, it's okay to cry, it's okay to need help sometimes, it's okay to give up when it's needed, you don't need to carry the world on your shoulders, share your burden with those around you that are willing to help, (I'm being very hypocritical here, but I'm learning) because you need help sometimes too
I'm going to my psychiatrist appointment, I need to go, I'm getting out of control and I really need and want the help, I was iffy because the lady sounded like she didn't believe me, she asked why I haven't gotten treated before but like I didn't know I had this condition until this year and there are a lot of memory gaps and like people have interacted with my alters so there is no reason to not believe me....right?....
I'm overthinking again, my mom told my little sister to stop calling me and to completely cut me from her life because all I do is put things in her head and try to change her to be more like me, little does she know she's walking her own path whether she likes it or not... also earlier I overheard jefferson tell his mom that if my dad touches my little sister inappropriately that we will be taking her in without a doubt, and he will make sure that none of us see him again
I'm listening to music right now but I don't really feel emotions, oh and I went to work 2 hours late because I overslept, that's pretty much all there is I think, have a goodnight
