So there is an entry I haven't posted yet but whatever I need to write this out....
I feel like shit... I feel like I annoy everyone and everyone is just tolerating me... over the last couple of days I realized my words sound harsh and may even lead to things. I feel like certain people think I've abandoned them or that I'm annoying or just plain weird... events over the last 3 days happened that made this realization, I've hurt lance, I've said harsh things to people, and I've hurt someone who I said I wouldn't hurt... but I can't, these feelings inside are frustrating, I get anxious for no reason, I want to cry all the time, the things I say to myself are horrible but I can't stop them because they are all true.
I haven't been able to sleep right let alone eat, I haven't eaten since yesterday's taco at 5pm and it's 12pm now. I've messaged Marcus' account so many times because I still miss him, and it hurts, I had a dream of him a couple nights ago telling me to get my shit together and to not throw my life away on how I was doing it, I've relapsed on almost everything in the last couple of days and have had thoughts of either hurting someone or go out to find something that'll make me stop feeling this way.
I'm currently driving to the university and during this time it's the worst because it's just me and my thoughts, I'm crying while writing this because I'm such a fucking idiot and a total jerk, I don't understand how you people like me when there is literally nothing to like about me, I'm easily manipulated, naive and desperate for some kind of love because obviously I don't get that at home. I hate hurting people, it's always my fault because I don't know when to say no or when to end things, I always put others before myself, I would much rather me be destroyed than someone I know being destroyed by something I had said or done.
Everything is a mess, I talk with bunny a lot but I feel like I'm annoying them too, I've talked with Tinky but I again feel like I annoy her, I feel like I annoy everyone and I'm just waiting for everyone to leave me like usual. It'll just be me and my thoughts because even lance has had enough of me... I won't text or talk to anyone for a while. I need to be alone... even if I hate it.... no one can help me, I'm a lost cause, I'm not gonna do anything stupid I promise... well I won't unalive myself that's for sure, but I may do other things to not feel the way I am, I'll be safe, goodbye for now
