9:05pm
Kameron is annoying, I want to kill him, I shouldn't be thinking this way but I am, it's annoying that I am, I need to stop, everyone needs to stop, it's overwhelming, everything is overwhelming, I need everything to slow down before I go into a panic attack one of these days, bunny isn't talking to me as much, I lost contact with most of the people I know due to my parents, I hate them but I need to stop, it's not entirely their fault, I should've asked for help sooner, so it's partially my fault, I need to see my little sister but it's weird now, my mom has to be there and she can't tell me how she's really doing, I was told that she cries in class and that my mom went off on her in church because she told one of her friends that something happened between me and that man, but it's not right, my mom needs to let her talk to me before she ends up like me, she can't end up like me, I can't let that happen, my mom is controlling her and she will end up caged like an animal and she will mentally die like I almost did, I need to hug her but I'll cry if I do, I'm almost crying now just thinking of it because I miss it a lot, I miss the days it was just me and her, now it's not, some days I think it would've been better had I stayed quiet, but no it wouldn't have because the cops would've been eventually called on me and I'm actually happy where I am now, it's just times like these that make it hard because I should have my mother on my side but no she thinks I'm crazy and now that I went to the mental hospital she'll think it proves her right and that it's all in my head, I don't know how else to make her see, I don't think I'll ever make her see, and that hurts, that hurts a whole lot but there's nothing I can do if she doesn't accept it herself, I want to go to the house but going there scares me, I need to start taking my pills again, or I will spiral deeper...
11:39pm
but I can't do it, it makes me number than I am now and trust me I'm numb, everything is hilarious until I'm alone at night, at night I can feel his touch, I hear his voice, but I hear my alters trying to overcome his but it's not possible, I haven't seen him in months now and I'm great with that but I want to call him, I want to call him and curse at him and cry to show him how hurt he made me, I want to hurt him and make him feel everything I have felt over the years, but I can't, I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't i can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't and that frustrates me sooooo fucking much you have no idea, I want to hurt my mom sooooo bad just slowly cut her up like the times I did myself, each slash being each time she's hurt me emotionally and mentally, each hit being my frustration against her that has built up over the years, and each hurtful word being my pain for thinking of doing this, I don't want to die anymore, I want to hurt them, every last one
