11:30pm
Took a drive with my dog tonight, and I couldn't help the thoughts that crossed my mind, they made me feel worthless and hopeless of ever becoming someone in this life, to my mom, all I'll ever be is the child who is sick in the head, to my older sister I'll always be the liar and betrayer, to my little sister... idk what I'll be to her in the future... to my brother I'll just be the charity case... how did my life turn into this?i don't remember the last time I felt genuinely happy for myself... it's hard to wake up in the morning and pretend my life isn't a complete mess... I see high school colleagues making it big and friends already starting families meanwhile I'm here stuck in my own misery, I'm trying to keep it together because I'm tired of always breaking down, I'm tired of always feeling like I'm just never enough, you guys have no idea how hard it is to keep living like this, yes you may feel something similar but it's not the same, to constantly struggle financially because of debt you didn't even cause, to struggle mentally because of flashbacks or the people in your head that want freedom just like you but can't gain it... it's so fucking hard and it's slowly killing me, I'm not who I portrayed myself to be in school, I'm vulnerable, fragile, any little thing can set me off into intrusive thoughts because that's how my brain has become wired... someone once told me that I was strong for being able to talk about what has happened to me without breaking down, but the reality is, I'm numb, it's not strength when you can't feel anything... there are times I sit in my room and think if everything is really a lie and it's just all in my head like my sister says...knowing that it isn't a lie I still think that because I'm hurt because I'm hurting so much that I become numb, I'm 1 month and 17 days self harm free, and I'm proud of myself but there are times like these that i really want to do something, but I can't, I've come so far I can't just give in easily, as much as I crave to feel the pain, to punish myself for everything that has happened, I can't do it because I need to move forward, as much as it hurts I have to move, if not then what's the point?...
