Trigger warning: 🩸
12:30am
I drove to my favorite places, the bridge, the house, my aunts, the gas station, the forest. My head is so full, yet my mind is so calm... a thought crossed my mind "what if I park on the side of the freeway and just walk across all 5 lanes slowly?" I banged my head on the window after I thought that because I needed it to stop I need everything to stop
12:43am
I had to reset my sobriety.... I should've done it the moment I hit my head yesterday but I didn't, I feel so alone now, my friends don't talk to me anymore because I know I'm too much work, my brother is god knows where because he's still not home, I need to take my medication but I'm afraid of myself taking too much just because, I'm such a failure, I passed by my old high school too and I just imagined the disappointment my principal would feel to know where I am in my life right now, she had such high hopes for me but like everyone else I'll disappoint her too, she'll think I'm crazy too, and that I should be locked up... huh... I'm starting to think that too... when I was locked away I was carefree... I didn't have to stress about if people wanted to talk to me or touch me or anything because everyone respected boundaries and stuff... well except the mean nurses... but the good ones made it worth it...
1:32am 🩸
I'm fucking pathetic, I couldn't handle some idiotic thoughts so you know what I did? I made 15 new lines on my thigh, I don't fucking deserve to be here I'm just a waste of space, everyone leaves me because I'm too much, I'm always going to be alone, no one will ever love me the way I want to be loved or deserve to be loved, heck I think life is just laughing it's ass off at me right now, I don't know how far I'll make it through this life, everyday gets harder and everyday I'm near the edge, I just thought that if my brother finds out I cut then he will for sure kick me out without a doubt, because to him I'm not trying to get better yet he doesn't fucking know what goes on in my head and how hard I resist many things that cross my mind, but no, I'm just the charity case, im the crazy one, im the one that doesn't deserve help because I did this to myself, but deserve to be on the streets, I deserve EVERYTHING that's happening to me
6:30am
I have to take my nieces to school because they asked me too and I can't say no to them, I just have to try to stay awake and fight off this drowsiness from the pills I took
12:00pm
I went back to sleep after I dropped off the girls and I'm barely waking up now, my body feels fuzzy but I think it's from the pills, I'll get over it eventually
1:30pm
To work I go
11:37pm
Had dinner at IHOP with my brother, he said he's going to work early tomorrow because his job is 3 hours away and he won't be back till after tomorrow... so Thursday, which means I'll be alone...
11:55pm
I'm sorry
I'll be ok
