7:30pm
Fuck everything
I want to die
They don't care
I can't leave
I'm stuck
They ruined me
I'm so fucking dependent on them it makes me sick
I can't leave
I should have left long ago but I fucking didnt
Two days ago he went all the way
Two days ago I froze
Two days ago it was my fault
Two days ago it wasn't my fault
I didn't ask to be the victim
I didn't ask to have such a shitty life
I didn't ask to have so many mental problems
I didn't ask to be so fucked up I can't leave when I know I should
I didn't ask for any of this fucking shit! So why does it fucking happen!!!! I'm sick and tired of everything! I wanted so bad to just crash the truck earlier and hope it would all end! I want to fucking die! I don't want to be in this much pain! I hurt others because I can't fucking leave! I rather be in pain but I rather not be? Does that make fucking sense?! People are getting tired of my shit I already know I can feel it! I'm just waiting for them to leave! I'm a stubborn bastard who is dependent on his fucking abusers! I'm a lost fucking cause! Just fucking leave already!!!!! Stop just stop please just stop
8:30pm
Two days the didn't ask how I was doing... it's like nothing happened... the only thing they asked was if I talked with my aunt about not telling anyone (specifically the cops), they are worried that the entire fucking neighborhood will talk about them... I told my aunt what happened and she came over right away, she offered to take me to the hospital to get checked
I was going to go to the hospital that night... I did go but I didn't make it to the door... I made a mistake in going with my mom and my older sister... I should've gone with my aunt... Too late now I guess... anyway... we got to the parking lot of the hospital, and I got out of the car and was walking to the door when my mom pulled me back and asked me "what are you going to say? That it isn't the first time? You know what they'll do? They'll take him away, and your sister, and me, and we'll be left with nothing, all because of you" :) what a nice mother right? Then she started crying saying she couldn't choose between me and my father, so I said she didn't have to choose because I was leaving, she started crying again saying she didn't want me to leave... but I can't stay, soon after that my sister got out of the car... and she started ganging up on me too, I got so mad and frustrated I simply said "fuck this shit let's go home" and we went home, yesterday I bought the pill, I'm hoping it works because if it doesn't I'm screwed... I got accused of lying, she said I only wanted an excuse to leave the house...like wtffff shit my dads home
9:30pm
I was looking at apartments today and found a cheap one for $460-$572 and I asked around who could rent me a room and found someone who could for $400 with all bills included, I was supposed to stay with my aunt but I seriously feel like I bother her and I know I can be a handful, I'm checking out a couple places tomorrow after work, my aunt said there's a place that'll rent rvs for $400 a month and that's all services included as well so I'll check it out, for now I'm back home, I don't like not having a plan
11:45pm
I miss Aaron so fucking much, he told me to live on for him, he told me not to do something stupid, he told me we'll meet again in 60 years when it's my time to go and I can beat him up when we do. I didn't think he cared, I honestly didn't think he cared but as he was dying he messaged me, apologized for what he's said or done, and thanked me for helping him through and getting him to change, he said I made him happy but I have no idea how I did that, we simply talked about him or Alex and how much he loved Alex, we'd argue about things he was doing wrong because he didn't understand why it was wrong, we'd joke around and I'd call him Sir or Big Doofus, god I fucking miss him... I miss him asking me questions about things... I just miss HIM
