The Stuggle of Loving You | a. hotchner | ✔

Chapter 26

I laid awake, slowly getting over what was my boyfriend. I had been working at the BAU for three months and it was painful everyday. Eventually

That's what I told myself day after day... eventually the pain would subside and I could at least have him as a friend. Regardless of what happened between us I still wanted him in my life. To be there for me, though we couldn't be a couple.

It still felt raw, the breakup. Seeing him everyday and watching him push through the sadness behind his eyes was in itself painful.

I didn't want to see him hurt...

Aside from that fact the team and I seemed to get along. Garcia and Emily took me for drinks and the occasional team outing. Aaro-- Hotch never really came to those most likely because I was always there. That's how Hotch was though, how he grieved... alone.

And he was grieving, so was I but I needed to keep the appearance that nothing was wrong. Hotch was always like this, strictly work and barely hung out.

With a team of profilers you would think they knew there was something between Hotch and I. Though they never brought it up, never mentioning it.

Hotch and I would keep it professional on the few cases we had within the month I was at the unit. Not causing a scene, he never treated me differently. Not giving me special privileges or being too harsh... just normal, I was just another member.

While I was in my mind I didn't hear the door knock. Dragging myself out of bed, I walked down the hallway and Emily stood in the doorway holding a coffee out for me. "Brought you this."

"Thanks... it's a little early don't you think." Emily walked in and I shut the door behind her. "You weren't sleeping."

"True but why aren't you?" She laughed and looked down. "Spent the night with someone and I didn't feel like going home yet." I raised my eyebrows going to sit on the couch. Emily followed and sat across from me, both of us swinging our legs on the cushions, getting more comfortable.

"Are you going to continue or do I have to force it out of you." I took a sip of the drink in my hand.

"His name was Derek and I met him last night at the bar. You could've gotten some too but you refused to go out with us." I glanced down and avoided her eyes. I hadn't gone out because I knew Hotch was going to be there, the first time in three months. He did only because Rossi was hounding him about being social. 

I didn't need Emily or Garcia try to make me hook up with someone else. I didn't want Hotch to see that, it would be like rubbing salt in an open wound for both of us.

"Why'd you stay home anyways? Already getting tired of us." She teased.

"Yeah... that's not the reason, I just wasn't feeling it last night." She scoffed, seeing past my very obvious lie. Ignoring it though knowing there was a good or decent reason I didn't tell her the truth.

Emily switched the conversation, "How are you and Hotch?" I put my head on the cushion behind me and took a second to answer. Shrugging my shoulders I answered, "Fine."

She took a sip on her coffee, "I'm only asking because he was a bit of a hard ass when I first joined. Figured he'd be giving you a tough time as well."

I let out a small oh and we talked for the next hour. She told me that I needed to meet JJ and one day we'd all go out and have some fun. For the way Emily described her she seemed like a good person, I wished I could've met her.

Interrupting our conversation both our phones went off, "Of course." We both grounded out and checked our phones.

"There goes our day off." Flipping it over I saw the notification, we had a case. "I'll need to set that up though, I'd be nice having the whole team together." Emily said while standing up and going to the door. We said bye and I closed it behind her, walking back into my room I sat on the side of the bed.

Hotch's cologne was so faint, it was almost completely gone. Averting my eyes from his section of the bed I walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

Putting on some light grey pants and a white dress shirt. I was ready in half an hour, on my way out I turned off the lights and grabbed the remaining coffee Emily bought me. Although it was now cold.

Pulling into the parking lot I made my way down the sidewalk. Going into the lobby I decided on taking the stairs to the bullpen.

"Y/n", Garcia called out and opened the glass doors for me. She held it for me, she was holding the file in her hands, "How was your morning?" I let out a sigh and put on a smile, "It was good, Emily bought me this." I raised the almost empty cup.

I found myself dreading work, I loved my job and I was grateful for it but being around him. I saw him looking at me through the window of his office while Garcia and I went into the round table room. He took that and continued on, getting himself up and following us.

Taking a seat on the other end of the table, Hotch walked in. I didn't look at him but I could feel his gaze lingering on me. When I looked up he turned his eyes to the file in front of him.

We never worked together, he never had me with him ever. I was always paired with everyone else, and the team wasn't blind to it. They thought he hated me and wanted to get rid of me. Obviously I knew that wasn't true but that didn't stop those thoughts from entering my mind.

Emily walked in after Hotch and Morgan joined her. "What's going on mama?", I glanced and smiled at Morgan as he took the seat next to me. "Nothing, just tired." He nodded and we all waited for Garcia to start. With Hotch's okay, Pen continued.

"Alright my lovelies, even though it was our day off that doesn't stop the cases as we all know."

"Garcia...", Hotch said, raising his eyebrows.

"Sorry sir... we are wanted in Dallas, Texas. There were kidnappings throughout the last two weeks and this unsubs victims are children nine to twelve. Never staying longer than twenty four hours the children's bodies all turned up the next day in the woods tied to the trees. There was a reported kidnapping three hours ago and obviously because of the other kids they didn't want to wait so... yeah."

"If I could have your attention you can see what he does to them and..." Garcia cringed as the image flipped onto the screen and she looked away from the tv.

It was a little girl tied up with what looked to be nylon rope. There were holes in her chest and around her body. Bruises up and down her torso and legs... she had been beaten.

"Let's go", Hotch took a few more seconds of looking over the file and he closed it, standing up going to his office. I watched as he walked away, looking as his body turned the corner of his office.

"Nice view?" Emily came up behind me, taking notice of what had my attention. "What?"

"You think we didn't notice you staring at Hotch, specifically him walking away."

I scoffed and let out a nervous laugh, "I don't know what you're talking about."

I went out to my desk and got ready, grabbing my bag. Everyone was ready to leave, the jet was leaving in an hour.

I rode with Morgan and Reid over to the strip, they kept their comments to themselves about what they thought was going on with Hotch and I. When we got there they exited the car and went straight to their seats while I stayed in the car for a little while longer on my phone.

When I did decide to leave the car I saw his form in front of me. Hotch noticed I was behind him, on the way up the stairs into the jet he held out a hand helping me on. "Thank you", I mumbled and sat in the back by myself.

While I was walking away I heard a faint 'you're welcome'. He joined the others in the center, Rossi being the last one on, we were ready to leave. Four hours later Hotch spoke, "Alright let's get started."