The Stuggle of Loving You | a. hotchner | ✔

Chapter 29

Two hours later I was getting to the point where I was losing some memory. It took so long because I was drinking more fruity drinks than hard liquor.

I glanced around the table and I found myself staring face to face with Hotch. I didn't notice but everyone was doing their own thing.

"Are you okay?", Hotch asked, trying to make conversation. "Yeah I'm just... you know what, never mind." I said, sliding out from the booth.

"Where are you going?", I sighed.

"Somewhere else Hotch, I can't right now", I walked— more like hobbled over to the dance floor and cozied up to the first guy I saw.

"Hey", the guy said I put my finger on his lips. A signal not to talk and he took it. Not saying a word, we were just in the moment.

My back was against his chest and I was grinding into him. Hotch looked over in his tipsy haze, he saw me with the man. He could tell I wasn't okay, that something was bothering me.

Whether we were together or not he wanted me to be happy.

But seeing the sight in front of him made him upset and angry.

For a second the man's hands were rising up from my hips to my waist. It felt like they got replaced after they disappeared. When they appeared again they were larger, turning around there he was.

"Talk to me." He pleaded.

"I don't wanna talk." My hands went around his neck, trying to look normal. Everything had slowed down around us.

"Why not?", sadness was written all over his face. I didn't owe him anything but I felt like I owed him everything.

I didn't need to talk to him but he's done so much for me.

"Because Hotch, I fucking hurt. I just—", I flicked my eyes down to his lips then back to his eyes. He saw the sudden change in my gaze and against his better judgement his hand slid into my hair. He pushed me towards his lips and he captured mine.

I wanted to keep going, the way we moved against each other made everything okay for a while.

Then the feeling dissipated and reality crept in. I was the first to pull away and my hand left his cheek and rested on his chest pushing him away.

"Why'd you do that?", he stared at me blankly. He had no idea why he did it, not having an answer for me.

"I don't know", he whispered and over the loud music I almost missed it.

"I need to get home", I walked away from him.

Aaron stood there watching me move farther from him. I eventually disappeared from his vision, I went outside and called a cab.

Getting in I went home, leaving the team behind.

The rest of my thoughts were consumed by Aaron and I couldnt stop thinking about the way his lips felt against mine again.

____

Three months later

We had pretended like the kiss never happened, it was a moment of weakness and honestly I didn't regret it. I had lunch with Emily later in the morning.

It was 9AM and I was waiting for the time to roll around. I'd need to get dressed, I was still moping around, only ever having energy to go to work and maybe a few other things.

The rest of my time went to working out and trying to stay alive and well.

I heard my phone vibrating on the table, I leaned forwards and picked it up. "Hello", I asked.