You & I

Revealing

Having a baby is hard, Having a baby in the spotlight is harder. Everyday your twitter feed is bombarded by people asking the sex,  name and literally begging for a picture of your baby. Niall and I wanted to keep Duke out of the spotlight for as long as possible.  We wanted him to be our little Duke Alexander Horan not twitter and instagrams. However despite us feeling this Niall and I felt it was time we share him with the world at 1 month old.

We would share a picture with all his birth detail. I'm hoping it will calm all the fans down and make them less annoying at this time in my life where I want some privacy. 

It's been hard battling the weight issue when I've been in hospital for 2 days 3 weeks after the was baby but lucky for me my high metabolism has kicked in and is working a charm. The weight is falling off me. I'm still self conscious about my body at this time so whatever picture we post will definitely not have me in it.

"Babe do you need anything from the supermarket?" Niall shouted from the bottom of the stairs.

"Just some oranges" lately I've been craving oranges. I don't know if it's normal after you've given birth but its literally all I eat.

I heard the door shut then open again a few minutes later.

"Niall is that you?" I ask.

"Its Eleanor"

I shout "bedroom" as her footsteps become louder. She greets me with a kiss on the cheek and takes Duke from my arms to have a  cuddle at.

"He's getting so big" she says

"Don't go there El" i reply.

"So I was thinking we should go for lunch" she said.

"I'd love to but I have hospital appointment"

"Is everything alright?" she asked.

"Yeah yeah just a cancer check-up. i need to go every 6 months now."

"Is Niall taking  you?"

"No he's taking Duke to meet some of his friends."

"I'll take you. Louis is at his mums with lola" she said.

"And you're not there because....?"

"Because tomorrow I'm going to Paris with Sara. Mills you knew this already." She replied.

I don't even remember being told about this and where was my invitation? 

We sat and talked for about half a hour until Niall came home. It was almost time for my appointment but i had to feed Duke and put him down.

Once he had been fed he fell straight asleep in his bassinet. He looked super cute so i took a quick picture.

"This is the one Niall" I said

"The one? for what?" He looked confused.

"I'll post it now" I smiled

I opened twitter on my phone and uploaded the picture I had just taken. I wrote 'Here is our little prince. @Niallofficial and I are in love with him'. Niall looked at my phone and scrunched his face up

"No name?" he asked

"I want to tease them" I laughed.

Niall took my phone and posted the picture. We both sighed in sync.  We both looked at eachother in the eyes "Our baby boy" I smiled then looked at Duke sleeping peacefully. Niall kissed my temple then Eleanor came back from the bathroom.

"ready?" she asked. I nodded my head in return and kissed my sleep baby then Niall. I waved goodbye then joined El in the car.

Snow fell heavily making it hard to drive and I was incredibly nervous about the whole situation as I had just been in a car accident.

"Don't freak out mills we're here now. You're safe" Eleanor said laughing slightly as we got out the car.

We walked into the hospital with keeping our heads down to make sure no one saw us. Eventhough El and I weren't even famous we still got alot of attention which was annoying as anyone could imagine because if you're out shopping doing normal things then suddenly you're being crowded by 50 screaming teenagers it dosnt because normal anymore. sometimes after being on a red carpet or making appearances with Niall all you want to do is something Normal and you can't.

We waited about 10 minutes before My cancer doctor called my name. I greeted Dr. Orr with a hug and a kisd on the cheek.  I wouldn't normally be hugging one of my doctors but he saved my life.

"So today we're just going to run a few test blood, urine samples that kind of thing and do a few scans" the doctor said as we entered his office. I took a seat on the bed and eleanor on a chair next to it.

A few hours went by and I took my xray. The results weren't great as they could see a shadow in my uterus and wanted to make sure it wasn't anything cancerous.

"Well we're happy to tell you the shadow we found is not cancerous. " A sigh of relief came across my body.  I couldn't stop smiling. "however" does there always have to be a however? "We have found out that it something else" I gave him a confused look, Eleanor took my hand. "You're pregnant" What

"I cant be" I said. "We've only done it once since the baby"

"Millie you are extremely fertile and when I say extremely I mean it." He said

"Are you going to keep it? " Eleanor asked

"I mean its soon but of course" I replied.

"now I'd like to talk to you about that.  Do you maybe want your husband here?"

"No no its fine" Panic rushed through my body.

"You're first pregnancy with Duke was incredible for someone who is still on cancer medication.  It could have killed you and with this pregnancy It will. You're body isn't fit for it right now.  Ive talked to your OBGYN and we've both agreed the safest thing for you would to abort"

"No." I said "I dont believe in abortiobs, neither does Niall. If this baby kills me and he/she lives an extraordinary life then im okay with that"

"Millie I cant loose you. I thought I'd lost you before. Im not going to let this baby kill you. You don't love it yet.  Do it now before you become attached" Eleanor said

"I'll give you time to think about this but if it doesn't kill you the fetus can die in the whom,  Once you and Niall have become attached."

The car ride home was silent. All I could think about was my life or my child's.

Once El dropped me home I hopped in a warm bath then took a nap.

I slept for a few hours and now I had to face reality and tell Niall.

I walked down stairs to see Duke sleeping in his bassinet.  I picked him up and cradled him as I walked into the Kitchen where I could smell Niall cooking.

"hey princess" He said kissing me "How was the hospital" I gave him a sympathetic smile.

"Can we sit?" I asked. I followed him into the living room. Duke began to awaken slowly. He rubbed is perfect blue eyes. I couldnt kill my child.

"So what happened is everything okay?"

"I dont have cancer" A smile took over his face "but they did find something else" that smile suddenly went away. "Im pregnant" his eyes grew big.

"Thats amazing" He said hugging me. I pushed him off and shook my head. "Why isn't it amazing? "

"Dr. Orr said my body can't handle it and another pregnancy will kill me."

His eyes became filled with water. "We can't havs you not here, what are the options? "

"Abort our child"